So you’ve got practically zero time left before the annual sacred ritualistic presentation of a Valentine’s Day gift, and there’s just one problem: you forgot all about it. Maybe you were busy, or maybe you just don’t care about Hallmark holidays, or maybe you’re a thoughtless asshole. Regardless, I’m going to help you out. Here are ten fabulous last-minute Valentine’s Day presents that cost little to no money and might just get you laid. You’re welcome.
If you can afford to purchase actual flowers, good. But if not, don’t worry! You can always pick flowers if you live in a warmer climate, and if you don’t, you can go into a restaurant, hospital, or nursing home and steal a single rose. You’ll look classy even though you are actually a terrible thief.
Sing! Sing a song! Sing a song to your lady! You can write one yourself, or you can merely warble a rendition of her favorite Three Doors Down ballad. She will appreciate the effort even if your singing voice sounds like shitty nails on a shitty chalkboard made of actual shit, in Hell.
Make a PowerPoint presentation about how great she is! Invite her over and light candles and show it to her in a goofy-cute way that is reminiscent of something Jim on The Office might have done. Girls love Jim from The Office! Unless they are monsters without feeling, in which case why are you worrying about Valentine’s Day anyway? She has no heart and no capacity to feel love, so anything you do will ultimately be meaningless.
Sex is a gift. Give the gift of you, to her, in the form of orgasms! Just eat her out for, like, two hours if necessary and don’t complain about how your jaw hurts. BTW you should do this every day if she wants you to do it every day anyway.
Everybody loves to eat! Or at the very least, everybody needs to eat. Buy her favorite food things and make those food things for her. Alternately, make food things out of the ingredients she already has in the cupboard. Another idea is to steal a loaf of bread from a bakery like you’re in Les Miserables or some shit. You may go to jail as prisoner 24601, but she’ll appreciate your wild devotion to her carbohydrate needs.
Take her to a shelter to look at the cute puppies (and the senior dogs, who do not get adopted as often but who are even more wonderful in many cases). Give them some love and affection and make a small donation to the shelter as a thank you. Do not go to a pet store, as pet stores are disgusting and awful and terrible. Adopt don’t shop, dammit! Alternately, pretend that you are the dogs from Lady and the Tramp and kiss with Italian food in your mouths. Oh, gross. Actually, don’t do that.
Take a walk! A long romantic walk where you window-shop, hold hands, look at pretty buildings and imagine a future in which you own said pretty buildings. You can make hot cocoa at home for real cheap and then take the hot cocoa with you. You’ll burn calories, increase the flow of endorphins, get rosy-cheeked and adorable, and have a lovely time. At the end, you can make snow angels or devils, depending on your nature and climate.
Build a website about how great she is! There are plenty of places on the interwebz where you can build a website for free. Try Tumblr! You can even make it password-protected so it’s a secret just for her. Put your favorite photos of her up with goofy captions about why she’s great. Put up images of things you’d buy for her if you had the money, like a car or a baby!
This one’s a classic! You can go all Shakespeare’s Sonnet 130 and talk about how she’s not that hot but you still dig her, but I wouldn’t advise it. Instead, write something very beautiful and tender and true about how beautiful and perfect her soul/heart/butthole is. She’ll love it, or she’ll hate it. Poetry is very divisive.
Ask her to marry you! Tell her you didn’t buy a ring because you want her to pick out her dream ring and you will buy that ring for her. Instead of putting a ring on her finger, use a twisty tie from a bag of bread! She’ll appreciate your low-budget, DIY quirkiness. Or she’ll never speak to you ever again. Either way, you save money!