We get it, coffee drinkers; you really enjoy drinking coffee and telling everyone how much you love coffee. Settle down. As much as everyone complains about stoners trying to convince everyone that weed should be legal, just imagine what it would sound like if coffee were suddenly outlawed. If you’re still not sure, here are ten definitive ways coffee addicts are worse than stoners
1. Coffee drinkers don’t share.
Imagine walking into your co-worker’s office, picking up their coffee mug and asking for a sip. They’d stare at you like you asked to breastfeed their dog. But if you walked in on your stoner friend smoking, not only would he share, he’d offer it to you before you even had a chance to sit down. Basically stoners are better friends (and people) than coffee drinkers.
2. If the coffee shop is out of their regular drink, coffee drinkers will flip out.
If you’ve ever gone to the shop with a stoner, you’ll notice that they’re always open to new recommendations and products. If they’re out of his usual strand he’ll gladly try something new. Have you ever seen a coffee addict when a barista tells him that they’re out of his usual brew? That place will look like the last 20 minutes of Twister by the time he’s done with it.
3. Coffee drinkers are intolerable before they drink and then just as bad after they drink.
No one on your Facebook or Instagram cares about how much you enjoyed your morning brew or want to see a picture of the purposely misspelled name on your Starbucks cup. And everyone on earth is tired of hearing the phrase, “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee!” The problem is that once they’ve had their coffee, you then have to deal with them being hyper and jittery because, “WOWZA I’M ON A COFFEE HIGH WOOHOO!” Stoners either shut up once they’ve smoked, or they start spouting out the most entertainingly profound nonsense you’ve ever heard.
4. Stoners aren’t pressured into buying a Fleet Foxes CD with their purchase.
I’m not sure why coffee shops think indie rock or easy listening CDs are impulse buys when you’re in line to buy a cappuccino, but apparently it works. Otherwise Starbucks wouldn’t keep shoving Norah Jones CDs in your face every time you place an order. I feel safe in saying that no marijuana shop has ever suggested a Jakob Dylan LP with the purchase of your eighth.
5. Stoners don’t care if their name is spelled wrong.
Have you ever seen a stoner post a photo of their weed order complaining that their name is Mary, but their receipt said it was Teri? They don’t care if the receipt says, Hat Man or Glubenshire on it. But if a barista misspells a coffee drinker’s name they are guaranteed to lose their mind. It’s not a yearbook and you know what? “Shyanne” isn’t a real name anyway.
6. Coffee drinkers complain constantly.
“I can’t drink Susan’s coffee because it’s too bold.” “Wait, is that an Americano? I’m fairly certain this isn’t a proper Americano. Can you remake it?” If a stoner tries weed that’s too strong, he’ll just smoke less. If it’s too weak, he’ll just smoke more. By no means am I saying a stoner would never complain about weed, but they don’t jump on Yelp to rant about it as soon as they walk out of the shop.
7. Coffee drinkers have to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes and insist on telling you it’s because of all the coffee.
How many times have you been in a meeting and someone brought everything to a halt because they needed a bathroom break? It wouldn’t be an issue if they didn’t have to follow up by letting everyone know it’s from the 40 oz premium roast they drank an hour ago. Dude, nobody wants to hear about how you’re going to take a three-minute pee that smells like Mordor’s septic system.
8. Stoners don’t let their kids run wild in the shop.
Coffee addicts are so obsessed they have no issues bringing their children to the shop and letting them run around like a fight scene from The Raid 2. Stoners may forget if it’s noon or midnight, but at least they don’t leave unattended kids in the shop.
9. Coffee drinkers are not content just hanging out or going to bed.
If a coffee drinker had a cup a little too late in the evening, he’s going to be wired for hours and will get frustrated because he can’t sleep. Like somehow it’s your fault caffeine has an effect on his body. If a stoner smokes, the last thing you have to worry about is making plans or staying up late. They’re fine with just about anything. As a matter of fact, they could do the most boring, menial task imaginable and suddenly it’s the greatest experience of their lives.
10. No one drinks a bunch of coffee then wants Taco Bell.
If that isn’t irrefutable evidence, then you simply refuse to accept the truth.