No one wants to use a public restroom. We all know this. It’s not an enjoyable experience for anyone and honestly if there were any other place to go, we’d happily do it. But the reason we don’t want to use them isn’t because they are innately bad, it’s because there are garbage people that ruin it for everyone else. I can’t speak for the women’s restroom, but the men’s restroom always seems to have the same few guys in there that ruin it for everyone else. Here are ten signs that you’re the guy everyone hates in the public restroom.
1. You pull on the door of the stall
If a stall door is closed, just assume it’s occupied. If you HAVE to investigate, just give it a gentle touch and, if it’s unlocked, it’ll come open. What on earth is up with this move where you walk up and start shaking it like the Hulk? Have you ever pulled on a bathroom stall door nine times and suddenly the door flew open to reveal a vacant toilet? No. Never. It’s absolutely horrifying for the person using it and certainly isn’t going to speed up the process.
2. You look through that gap between the stall and the door of the stall
This is, without a doubt, the worst location to make direct eye contact with a stranger. We all convince ourselves that no one can see through that small opening, but when it happens it’s like realizing your own mortality. Only serial killers do this.
3. You make loud noises and I don’t know why
Have you ever been in a public restroom and someone, usually an older man, starts making these sounds like he’s trying to get onto a horse, but the horse is a little too tall, so he keeps falling off? What possible human bodily function causes you to make this sound? It’s haunting. And the weirdest part of all is that it’s not even limited to the stall. They do it when they’re washing their hands or just walking around. Sir, are you dying?
4. You don’t flush
No one wants to put his hand on the handle of a public toilet, but even fewer nobodies (more nobodies?) wants to have to flush it twice because the ghoul before them decided it was too much trouble. Just use your foot and gently kick down that handle so the next person that walks in doesn’t have to clean up after you like some giant untrained puppy.
5. Everything is wet when you leave the stall
The crazy thing is, it’s not even urine. It’s just water! It’s everywhere! Did you take a toilet bath? If not I’m assuming you just smuggled a case of Aquafina under your shirt into the stall and went nuts with it trying to create some sort of restroom-inspired Slip n Slide from hell. I don’t know if I hate you as much as I just want to fully understand what you’re doing in there.
6. You use the toilet instead of the urinal and don’t put the seat up
Oh cool, it’s bad enough that I’m going to have to roll off a half of a roll of toilet paper to sit on to avoid that toxic seat, but now I have to preface it by sopping up your splash zone. This is exactly how I wanted to spend my day. Also, for some reason, you’re also always the hairiest man that’s ever lived, or sheds like a dog after his first round of chemo, because there is always a Christmas wreath of pubes on the toilet seat when they leave. Thanks for that, guy.
7. You don’t lock the door
There is no human interaction more uncomfortable than walking into a bathroom that’s clearly designed for one individual, seeing someone using it, and having to figure out if you want to sprint back outside or stand in the corner like you’re about to be murdered by the Blair Witch until this idiot is done with his public pee. If there’s a lock on the door, then it’s there for you to use, you cretin.
8. You try to start a conversation
I love making new friends, but not when we’re both sitting on public toilets and the only thing separating us is a thin layer of hollow metal that’s covered in teenager wannabe gang graffiti and bizarre proclamations of love. Also, why would you carve someone’s name into the wall of a bathroom stall with a heart around it? Are you going to bring her in there to see it? Is she going to be happy about that? You’re a sociopath.
9. You stand way too close
If I’m using a urinal, just know that I’m already very uncomfortable because I’m just standing in a silent room, full of strangers, with my too-small penis in my hand. The last thing I need is some random dude walking up behind me so close that I can feel his breath on my neck as he’s waiting on his turn. Think that’s going to speed things up? Just form a line at a reasonable distance and when a urinal opens up, move forward, you goblin.
10. You’re in there at the same time as me
Let’s be honest, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you’re doing, if you’re in there the same time as me, you’re the worst.