Sadly, professional wrestling isn’t real, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t entertaining. It’s so over the top and absurd, you can’t help but enjoy yourself as the ridiculous takes place over and over. But what if the same rules that applied to the world of pro wrestling also applied to your office job? It’ll be up to you to determine if it would be better or worse, but needless to say, things would be handled in a much different manner.
If there’s one thing everyone knows about wrestling it’s that referees are the most fragile and easily distracted human beings on the planet. If the same guys that are in charge of matches were also in charge at work, promotions would work like championship belts. Here’s how: Your co-worker wrote an amazing sales pitch and is getting ready to hand it in to your boss. One of your friends distracts your boss while you hit your co-worker with a steel chair and knock him out. Your boss turns around, oblivious to everything that just happened, and you turn in the sales pitch as your own and get the promotion.
2. NEW EMPLOYEES
The interview process for a new job can be time consuming and extremely frustrating. You have to go in for multiple meetings then you have to try and get to know all your new co-workers. Not anymore! Now new employees just show up out of nowhere, charge into a staff meeting and challenge a current employee for their job. Do you know the sort of office morale you’d develop if everyone were there because they defeated a lesser employee for their job?
Forget about ever being able to slip in ten minutes late undetected again. As soon as you get in front of the door at your office, the lights drops, the pyro goes off, and your music blares over the PA system. This would also make any sort of morning conference calls nearly impossible since there would constantly be guitar solos and fireworks going off in the background. It would make it a little easier to handle a day of data processing, though.
4. DEPARTMENT TRANSFERS
In a boring, regular office you can be transferred to a new department with a new group of co-workers with just a bit of paperwork and maybe an assessment test. The wrestling office would play out more like Bash at the Beach ’96 when Hulk Hogan turned on WCW and joined the nWo. How much more exciting would work be if you knew that, at any time, Emily in Accounting could DDT her department head through a table and join the HR team?
5. OFFICE INCENTIVES
Oh your current job gave you an extra day off because you didn’t call in sick for a year? That’s cute. In the wrestling office you get that day off when you can pull a Jeff Hardy and win a ladder match against the other top employees. If you can’t land a moonsault from 15 feet in the air you don’t deserve a non-holiday day off anyway.
6. UNDERPERFORMING EMPLOYEES
Sometimes a person in the office simply isn’t going over very well. Let’s call that someone Jim. Maybe he’s in the wrong department or he’s just not gelling in their current role. Normal office rules would lead the company to parting ways with him, but wrestling rules knows that all Jim needs is a new name and a different outfit and he could turn into a model employee. One day Jim returns telling everyone that he’s not Jim he’s Horatio Axenthorn and he is the CEO now.
7. LEAVING EARLY
You know those co-workers who always leave early, especially when you need them to do something for you? You know what wrestling used to solve the issue of people running off and avoiding responsibilities? Steel cages. You put that early exit crew in a steel cage and they’ll work harder than The Undertaker and Mankind at the 1998 King of the Ring.
8. DIVA SPICE
In the late 90s the WWE realized the best way to get people to watch uninteresting matches was by having Sunny introduce them. There was no reason other than she was wonderful to look at. Those quarterly finance meetings will be a lot more interesting when Trish Stratus is reading invoices instead of Craig, who sweats when he eats.
9. CHAMPIONSHIP BELTS
Are you really that motivated to work harder if the only reward you get is a generic plaque on the wall? Think about how much more effort you’d put into your job if you knew the winner was going to get a championship belt strapped around their waist. If you strut around in that thing at a TGI Fridays and you’re never paying for your own Jack Daniels Shrimp appetizers again.
10. OFFICE ATTIRE
Five words for you: Face paint and spandex tights.