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12 Board Games That Suck and If You Own Them You Should Be Imprisoned

12 Board Games That Suck and If You Own Them You Should Be Imprisoned:

The days of board games being a go-to source of entertainment are definitely over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pull a few classics out for a fun group activity from time to time. However, many of the games you played growing up were only fun because there wasn’t much else to do. In reality, they completely suck and you should toss them in the trash right now. Here are 12 games that, if you’re being honest, you’d admit they’re horrible and have done permanent damage to your friends and family relationships.

1. Don’t Wake Daddy

This is the most terrifying board game that was ever created. The concept is that you’re a hungry child and the hunger pains are preventing you from being able to sleep. You decide to sneak to the kitchen to get a snack, but your dad is a psychopath and if he catches you trying to eat, he’ll throw you back in the pit. I’ll tell you who needs to send daddy a wake up call: child protective services.


2. Hungry Hungry Hippos

Hungry Hungry Hippos let children choose one of four hippos that had become so obese, the only part of their body that still had the ability to move were their necks. The commercials always made it look like fast paced fun, but in reality it was you and your three husky cousins smashing the buttons so hard, the table nearly shattered. Plus the game was completely useless once one of you realized if you slightly tilted the table in your direction, you’d win almost every time. What fun!


3. Operation

There’s nothing quite like a game that gives you a panic attack if your wrist twitches in the slightest way. You and your scummy friends would take turns pulling random parts out of this poor guy’s body while sticking him with additional medical bills along the way. Hey maybe instead of removing another bone, you give a medical diagnosis as to why he has a giant glowing red nose.


4. Mouse Trap

Oh boy didn’t the commercial for Mouse Trap look so cool? It like you’re the director of your very own OK GO music video. You were so excited on your way home from the store…and then you actually tried playing it. That piece of garbage never worked correctly. Either something would be slightly out of place or Milton Bradley’s master craftsmanship would fail you, and everything would go wrong. I get annoyed just thinking about this stupid game.


5. Connect Four

The commercial for Connect Four made it look like a thrilling acid trip where the checkers came to life and battled like tiny circular gangs in pursuit of victory. In reality you were playing tic tac toe with checkers. The thrill of victory was nothing compared to having to sort out all the checkers when you pulled the lever on the bottom and they dumped out everywhere. It’s probably one of the only games you could win and not even realize you won.


6. Scrabble

Do you know why Scrabble sucks? Because you would spend the whole time putting together clever and lengthy words building combos and triple letter scores. Then your idiot opponent would mindlessly throw down a word like xis. So now you have to decide if you let it slide and allow him to get huge points, or you take a chance on challenging it and it being some obscure word that no one has ever spoken. If you did challenge and it turns out to be real, he’ll start bragging like he knew what he was doing. Dude, I saw you use a steel wool pad as a toothbrush, so I’m strongly doubting you’re a well-rounded wordsmith.


7. Guess Who?

You’re describing vague facial features of a stranger in hopes of trying to get your friend to guess who you’re talking about. How on earth did that pitch for a game get approved? It’s like if you were buying a phone from someone on Craigslist and you’re trying to figure out which sketchy guy in the mall parking lot he is. “Are you wearing a Kangol hat? Do you have a goatee?”


8. Candy Land

What’s your strategy to Candy Land? Is it blindly flip over cards until one of you reaches the Candy Castle and puts the other out of their misery? At this point you can all just admit that you stacked the deck so you’d get the gumdrop path because if you try to tell me you didn’t, you and I both know you’re lying.


9. Crossfire

My god, has there ever been a more exciting commercial than Crossfire? There was lighting, leather jackets, fingerless gloves, and a rock n roll power ballad that football teams should use when they run out onto the field. If you made the mistake of giving in and actually buying the game, you were immediately disappointed. It was like a subpar carnival game where you shoot metal bbs out of a plastic gun that got backed up more than the port a potty line at Coachella.


10. Life

That stupid wheel you had to spin never worked and then they wouldn’t let you spin again, even though it didn’t even make a complete revolution! That’s the rule with the wheel on The Price is Right, but it doesn’t apply here? Whatever. Throw this awful game in the trash. There’s no way real life could be as bad as this.


11. Battleship

Battleship combined the joy of avoiding eye contact with mumbling out numbers. We all know you’re going to stick one of the longer pieces in one of the corners and then we’ll spend the rest of the game trying to find your tiny two-hit ship. Then they went high tech with it and made it electronic! Oh cool! Now you get to buy a dozen batteries for a robot voice to announce your hits or misses instead of just saying it yourself. Technology is amazing!


12. Monopoly

Friendships, marriages, and families have been broken to pieces thanks to Monopoly. You always have that one annoying person that refuses to admit they’ve lost, even though they only have $9 and a railroad left. They’ll spend 20 minutes working out deals and trying to find a way to survive. It was always the one person you knew whose life was in shambles too. Maybe if you worked as hard on your real life as you do at trying to survive at Monopoly, you wouldn’t be sleeping on a futon, pal.


Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.

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