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Fap Your Hands: The 12 Greatest Songs About Masturbation

Fap Your Hands: The 12 Greatest Songs About Masturbation:

Please take a deep breath and read the following statement aloud:

MY NAME IS [YOUR NAME HERE], AND I LIKE TO GET MY OWN ROCKS OFF.

That felt good right? Well, maybe not if you announced it at your work cubicle like I just did. But you get the point — everybody does it, so why aren’t we more vocal about it? We decided to commend those who did just that by compiling a list of the 12 greatest songs about self-pleasure ever written.


12. DEVO – “PRAYING HANDS” (1978)
Two years before the energy-domed art rockers whipped themselves up mainstream music video recognition, Devo released their debut album Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!, and it was littered with masturbatory references. In addition to “Praying Hands,” they gave us “Uncontrollable Urge” and “Shrivel Up”. What do those little red hats remind you of now?
Defining Line: “While the left hand diddling / While the right goes to work”


11. THE BUZZCOCKS – “ORGASM ADDICT” (1977)
Manchester punk legends The Buzzcocks shamelessly introduced themselves to the world when they released a debut single as relevant as it is sticky.
Defining Line: “Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines / Now your mother wants to know what all those stains on your jeans”


10. CLARENCE CARTER – “STROKIN’” (1985)
The bold-voiced and blind blues singer Clarence Carter released over 30 albums throughout his lengthy career, but his most memorable was undoubtedly Dr. C.C. because it contained his legendary strip club single “Strokin’.” Fun fact: MTV wouldn’t play Carter’s “Strokin’” music video because of its explicit lyrical content, yet next month Miley Cyrus will host the VMAs while wearing a shoelace.
Defining Line: “And the police came and shine his light on me and I said: I’m strokin’, that’s what I’m doin’, I be stroking’”


9. ELVIS COSTELLO – “PUMP IT UP” (1978)
Alison must have been a tease because ole’ Elvis was all bottled up a year later when he released “Pump It Up.”
Defining Line:: “Pump it up until you can feel it / Pump it up when you don’t really need it”


8. THE DECEMBERISTS – “BILLY LIAR” (2003)
The Decemberists’ Colin Meloy is known for his whimsical storytelling and Her Majesty the Decemberists single “Billy Liar” is as elaborative as the rest, although it’s simply about summer boredom. A guy’s gotta keep himself occupied during the dog days somehow, amirite?
Defining Line: “Billy Liar’s got his hands in his pockets / Staring over at the neighbor’s, knickers down”


7. CHUCK BERRY – “MY DING-A-LING” (1972)
Chuck Berry’s sing-along classic was actually a cover of Dave Bartholomew’s 1952 original. It’s also the only song on this list that totally gives me the creeps. Remember back in the early ’90s when Berry was caught wiring security cameras in the ladies’ restroom of his St. Louis restaurant? He should probably lay off his ding-a-ling, at least for a little while. Chuck, you’re chaffing.
Defining Line: “Oh my ding a ling, my ding a ling / I wanna play with my ding a ling”


6. THE VAPORS – “TURNING JAPANESE” (1980)
Racism was all the rage back in the ’80s, and six years before C. Thomas Howell went black-face to get into Harvard, The Vapors wrote a song about the squinty-eyed look you make right before your joy stick loses its vigor.
Defining Line: “You’ve got me turning up and turning down”


5. CYNDI LAUPER – “SHE BOP” (1983)
Cyndi Lauper’s 1984 single “She Bop” was one of the Filthy Fifteen, a list compiled by the Parents Music Resource Center that led to the creation of the Parental Advisory sticker – you know, the sticker that made you want to buy an album. Lauper also told Howard Stern during an interview that she was naked when she recorded the song’s vocals. Kudos to the engineer who managed to get the job done while a wild-eyed, naked pixie danced on the opposite side of the glass.
Defining Line: “They say that a stitch in time saves nine / They say I better stop or I’ll go blind.”


4. BILLY IDOL – “DANCING WITH MYSELF” (1980)
You all know that when any rock and roll song mentions “dancing” that’s code for “having sex,” right? I mean, come on, no one loves dancing that much. Besides, the phrase “rock and roll” itself is early 20th century African American slang for fornication. So, clearly, Billy Idol knew exactly what he was doing…
Defining Line: “When there’s no one else in sight / In the crowded lonely night / Well I wait so long for my love vibration / And I’m dancing with myself”


3. THE WHO – “PICTURES OF LILY” (1967)
Kid can’t sleep, so his dad gives him a picture of presumably sexy woman to “look at” before bed. Dads are the best.
Defining Line: “Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night / Pictures of Lily solved my childhood problems”


2. BILLY SQUIER – “THE STROKE” (1981)
It’s a good thing we’re born with two hands, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to air-punch along to “The Stroke” while the other hand follows Squier’s direction. Rock. And. Roll. Defining Line: “Stroke me, stroke me / Say you’re a winner but man you’re a sinner now”


1. THE DIVINYLS — “I TOUCH MYSELF” (1990)
The Divinyls skipped all subtleties and literally went right to work. It’s kind of hot at first, but the lyrics quickly become habitual and it always finishes after about three minutes.
Defining Line: “I don’t want anybody else / When I think about you, I touch myself”

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