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12 New Anxieties We’re Going to Have to Deal with When Sex Robots Are Invented

12 New Anxieties We’re Going to Have to Deal with When Sex Robots Are Invented: Marla Rutherford / Getty Images

Marla Rutherford / Getty Images

Many of us think our sexual anxieties will be a thing of the past once sex robots are invented and you can try out all of your subpar moves on it. But the thing is, this isn’t going to abolish those feelings. Instead, it’s just going to give you an entirely new set of insecurities to deal with while you’re lying there next to your sexbot. Here are 11 brand new anxieties we’re going to have to deal with when those sex robots are inevitably invented.

1. I didn’t finish. Is it worried that I secretly want a newer operating system?
Maybe you just had a big meal or the stress from work was on your mind. That doesn’t mean you were thinking about those ads for the newer, thinner sexbots while you were with your sexbot. And just because you didn’t finish doesn’t mean you didn’t enjoy yourself, right?

2. Would it be comfortable with me bringing another bot into the bedroom, or is dual monitors out of the question?
Look, sometimes bringing in an additional system can speed up the process tremendously and make for a much more streamlined process for everyone involved. You’re not saying you WANT to bring in another bot system, but if you felt like maybe experimenting with LAN cables or something, you’d be open to it. That’s all.

3. Did it play that moaning.wav file because it was actually enjoying it, or because it wanted me to hurry up and finish?
It doesn’t do anything for either of you if the sexbot is just faking it. Like, it just needs to let you know what you could do better and that way it’ll be an enjoyable experience for you both.

4. How do I know which ports are plug and play and which ones aren’t compatible?
No one wants to be the one plugging ports that are supposed to only be accessed by IT. You’ve run your finger over the port and the bot didn’t give any indication that you shouldn’t use it. But still, you never want to do anything that’s not in the manual without permission.

5. I don’t have as much experience with, uh, computers as I probably should. Can it tell?
What if everything isn’t clearly labeled and, because you didn’t grow up with in a Sexy Radio Shack, you’re not sure where everything goes? Can it let you know in a nice way that won’t completely shatter your self-esteem?

6. Does it get jealous when I’m using my Roomba or iPhone?
Just because you take my PSP with me to meet your parents doesn’t mean that you’re ashamed of your sex bot. It’s just a…different sort of relationship. And plus your parents are very traditional and just need some time to adjust to the idea of it. Seriously, they’ll love you, sexbot.

7. What if I accidentally close down the system before it’s finished its boot sequence?
Haha, sorry about that. I swear that never happens. I must’ve just been really excited or something. Honestly it happens to everyone.

8. Has it had bigger files than mine uploaded into it and it secretly wishes those files were still around?
It’s not even about how big a file is anyway. It could’ve uploaded way too quickly or maybe they didn’t even prep the port first. There’s so much more to it than file size. What about upload speed? That’s a thing too!

9. Is it thinking about a previous user profile when I’m logged into my user profile?
You don’t care that there were other users profiles before yours was installed. It’s not about that. It’s about the fact that you chose each other and you’re together now. Well, it didn’t choose you. You chose a box from a display at Best Buy. But still, fate brought you together and that’s all that matters, right?

10. Are your parents going to call you for tech support?
Oh God your parents got a sex robot. And they think you know everything about sex robots. So you have to act like you know some things about sex robots but not TOO much about sex robots.

11. Are we 100% sure you can’t get a robot pregnant?
I mean, it’s highly unlikely, but the last thing you need right now is a little robot of your own running around that you have to care for. Are robots ok with deleting files off their systems? Obviously it’s the robot’s choice and no one should judge their decisions, but it would be nice to be on the same page going into it.

12. Do all my friends and family realize I’m at home making love to a sex robot?
Ok this is probably the biggest anxiety. Imagine trying to explain the situation to your mom as she pulls a robot out from under your bed that’s wearing a Fiona Apple mask.


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