Let me be clear here, I don’t mean to say having a relationship is stupid. By all means, if you find someone you like being around, then hold on to them for dear life. I’m talking about the actual process of going on casual dates. That’s what’s dumb. And if you don’t believe me, here are 12 reasons that back me up.
1. It’s Expensive
Holy lord is it expensive. I seriously don’t understand guys that are dating multiple women at once. Are you taking out student loans to pay for it? Even if you just go out for dinner or for drinks you’re looking at dropping a chunk of cash every single time. I guess technically you could split the bill, but that feels like you’re sending a very clear message from the get go, doesn’t it? “Hey I think you’re great. Not great enough to pay for the whole order of mozzarella sticks, but a little great nonetheless.”
2. It’s Like a Weird Job Interview
“Have you seen this movie?”
“Oh. Well it was good.”
Oh cool. Do you watch this show?
Ah. Well it’s good too.
“What other things should we ask if the other one has experienced and then react accordingly?”
3. It’s Time-Consuming
If it were just the dates, that would be one thing. But you’ve got to find someone to go on the dates with and that probably means swiping through a dating app. Then once you actually get a match you’re interested in, you have to do the weird small talk thing where you’re trying to be charming and interesting while still realizing you’re both swiping through hundreds of other people. It seriously becomes like a part time job that costs you money and ends with awkward hugs or uncomfortable hook ups neither of you never want to speak of again.
4. You Can’t Change Plans Without Giving Off Red Flags
If you have a first date planned on Thursday and you end up having to work late on Thursday, you’d might as well tell that person you’re engaged to someone else. Even if it’s a completely viable reason, when someone cancels on us last minute, we feel like we must not be a priority. It could ever be because you worked super late and you’re exhausted, so you don’t want to be groggy and inattentive during it. I guess the only option is to sit at home and listen to “Landslide” alone in the dark instead.
5. You Make Pretend Friends
Let’s be honest, if you weren’t going to their house to pick them up, then there is no scenario or circumstance in the world where you’d be making small talk with their weird roommate that smells like eggs. Why is he always making eggs? Are they about to go bad and he doesn’t want to be wasteful? Should you buy him more eggs as a gift? Reveal your mystery, egg fella.
6. There Are Too Many Unspoken Rules
You have to text, but not too soon. But if you wait too long, then you look uninterested. That’s not always a bad thing, though. Because if you seem uninterested, they’ll be more interested in you. And also BLAAARGH how old are we? If you like someone, just freaking tell them. I mean, don’t propose after a first date, but I shouldn’t have to watch episodes of The Mentalist to figure out how to behave after a date.
7. You’re Both Trying to Impress
It’s natural to be extra nice to someone you’re meeting for the first time. That’s not a bad thing. What is bad is when you both feel obligated to laugh at bad jokes and pretend to be excited about things you don’t care about. How many times have you been on a date staring at them during a story, looking attentive, but if a camera zoomed into your brain, it would just be that monkey banging two cymbals together?
8. Did I Mention It’s Expensive?
People don’t realize that Netflix and Chill isn’t just about trying to hook up. It’s also WAY cheaper than going out. That two hours of Netflix comes out to like two cents, so with that price of entertainment, how could you not be excited?
9. You Can’t Just Leave If It’s Going Poorly
We all have to go through those motions and end it with “Oh my goodness this was so nice. Yeah let’s TOTALLY do it again soon! I had SUCH a great time!” When, in reality, you both knew you weren’t compatible the moment you watched them laugh out loud at the trailer for the new Madea movie. Let’s just cut out the closing side hug and both get home in time to watch Shark Tank.
10. You Can’t Order Wings
You both want the wings, but society has told us that you can’t order wings on a first date. That’s probably a good rule, now that I think about it. No one has ever wanted to kiss a person after watching them eat ranch-soaked chicken wings.
11. You Probably Have Mutual Friends
Not only do you have to try and impress them in hopes of a second date, you’ll also probably find out that the two of you have mutual friends, so if you slip up and do something dumb, that’s the perception they’re going to have of you forever and they’re going to tell your mutual friends. Now you’ll be known as the guy that pronounces “calamari” as “cala-Marty.”
12. You Both Have To Pretend To Care About Things You Definitely Don’t Care About
Here’s my impression of everyone on a first date:
“Omg me too!”
That’s it. That’s pretty much everything you do on a first date. Good lord, dating is so stupid.