You normally don’t realize you’re in a garbage relationship until you’re not in it anymore. Hindsight makes it much easier to recognize all of the giant, glaring flaws you seemingly ignored for the duration of the relationship. Eventually you’ll just be mad that it took you so long to realize it was trash and you’ll regret spending a single minute being sad over it. Here are 12 signs that you’re probably in a crap relationship and need to make some changes immediately.

1. You’re always wondering if you’re in a garbage relationship
Have you ever been eating a wonderful meal and thought, “I wonder if this is actually a terrible meal and I should be pursuing other meals instead of putting all my time and energy into other meals?” Probably not, unless you’re Mario Batali or just completely insane. Of course there are going to be rough moments in a relationship, but if you’re constantly talking yourself into staying in it, there’s a good chance you shouldn’t be in it at all. You both deserve better than that.

2. You don’t feel like a priority in any way whatsoever
One time I was dating this girl and on the night of my birthday party she went to a different party first and didn’t show up to mine until hours after it had started. I think that should have been a bit of a red flag. When you constantly feel like you’re at the bottom of the list, it starts to take a toll on you. You start pushing harder to gain attention and they start resenting you more because all they want is space and all your want is affection. There’s a reason you don’t feel like a priority.

3. If they don’t want to do something, then neither of you are doing it
In a relationship you both have times where you go the extra mile to do something special for your significant other. You go to Red Lobster because they like it, even though you can’t fucking stand cheddar biscuits. You watch a movie they’ve been dying to see and never get around to the one you want. If you find yourself being the only one to make sacrifices or willing to bend, it’s probably not looking good. If they want to do something and you aren’t down, then they’re doing it anyway. If you want to do something and they’re not down, then they’re not doing it and neither are you. Obviously if you’re always suggesting things like “let’s skip work this week and do coke in Vegas!” That’s not really reasonable, but if one person has become the event coordinator for the couple, it’s going to get old really fast.

4. All your friends and family dislike them
You can be so blinded by an infatuation that you start to ignore very large red flags flying right in your stupid face. Have you ever had a relationship end and then a few months later you look back and realize, “oh yeah, that was absolute garbage.” Don’t listen to everything people tell you, but when the overwhelming consensus is that this person is terrible for you, it might be worth hearing them out. Your mom might be insane and think everyone you bring home is trying to steal their copper wiring, but if it’s so bad that your friends start begging you to end things, maybe they’re not just being jealous haters?

5. Their problems are your problems, your problems are…also your problems She had a bad day at work so you become the crisis hotline. Then you go over to her house and console her because her co-worker won’t let her use the good printer even though she has every right to the good printer. Clearly the world is falling apart. Meanwhile your dad is in the hospital, your house is on fire, and there’s a pack of wolves chasing you through the neighborhood, but let’s fix this printer thing first.

6. If they’re not around, you’re worried about what they’re doing
If you don’t trust someone, it makes it nearly impossible to love someon. Sending a text and not getting a reply right away isn’t a huge deal in a good relationship, but in a bad one your mind immediately goes to thoughts of them doing sex with your worst enemy. Often the one who gets mad over the non-returned text is labeled as the crazy one, but we all know the truth. You should never live in constant fear that your relationship is about to end. That’s a nightmare for everyone involved, including your appetite.

7. You’re the happiest when they’re not around
When it gets to the point that you’re happy she had to work late or you’re begging her to have a night with the girls, it might be time for a serious evaluation. Everyone needs personal space and time away from each other, but that shouldn’t be the only time you’re happy. When going on a date becomes a chore more than something you’re excited about, it might be time to call the relationship executioner. There’s no way your partner is having a good time either. You’re both just too nice to say you’re unhappy.

8. You stop bringing up things that bother you because you know it’ll just turn into a fight
Constantly starting fights is not a solution, but you should never apologize for your feelings. It’s one thing to attack your partner, but if you say, “When you do this, it makes me feel like this” that’s not something that should be blown off and ignored. Even if it’s something they think is silly, it’s still your feelings. Secretly carrying around an insecurity is going to slowly destroy you and cause you not to trust anyone in any future relationship either.

9. You pay for absolutely everything
Now obviously if one of you works and the other doesn’t that’s one thing, but it’s not really about actually paying or the amount of money. It’s the assuming the other person is going to pick up the tab every single time that is the problem. It leads to resentment and you can start to feel like an ATM more than part of a relationship. It’s about feeling appreciated.

10. You feel like any disagreement is going to lead to a break up
Couples will have disagreements. No two people in the world are going to agree on every single topic. Even those future-seeing triplets on Minority Report disagreed on future crimes from time to time. But when you don’t see eye to eye and you automatically assume it means the relationship is coming to an end, there’s a serious lack of security between you two. You’ll constantly be a nervous wreck and quickly lose all self-confidence. That’s never good.

11. Even when you spend time together, they seem to be somewhere else
Sometimes you’re dealing with major personal issues and you’re not able to give the type of affection you’d prefer. Everyone experiences these moments. The issue is when it always feels like you’re not getting affection. Either they’re on their phone, or their laptop, or just doing anything that means they don’t have to spend quality time with you. I dated a girl who, when I would come over, would just sit and read the whole time. If I tried to talk to her she would shush me. Then when we’d ride in the car together she could cut me off mid-sentence and turn up the radio and say she didn’t want to be talking right now. Why would you want to stay in a relationship where you constantly feel like a child that’s been placed in timeout?

12. You’re always just trying to remember the good times
You can’t judge a relationship on the first couple of months. It’s almost always great during those times because it’s fresh and new and you’re both putting all your time and energy into it. But if you’re a year in and everything is terrible, but you keep holding on because you remember how nice it was during those first few encounters, it may be time to let it go. You’re waiting for them to be someone who doesn’t exist in real life. Don’t compromise everything in hopes that one day it might get better.