If you are being attacked by a bear right now, I am honestly shocked the first thing you thought to do was get online and look up what to do when being attacked by a bear. I mean, most people would either freeze up or run, but you did the right thing. There are actually 12 ways to survive a bear attack. I know you’re probably staring that beast in the face right now so let’s get to it!
Some believe the best thing you can do is play dead when a bear attacks you. This is not true. The most effective thing you can play is a Mumford & Sons album. This way the bear will become so bored he’ll either wander off or fall asleep. For your protection, always keep a Mumford & Sons album in your backpack.
If you have a friend with you, a great defense against bear attack is to humiliate the big hairy bastard. Distract the bear while your friend gets on all fours behind it. Then confidently approach and shove the bear. He’ll topple over like a nerd in a 90s high school rom com. You should have plenty of time to escape, but if you want to point and laugh at him before leaving that’s fine too.
Before trying to outrun a bear, which never works, always try identifying yourself as Mowgli. Chances are slim, but this could turn out to be a really great experience if the bear you’ve stumbled upon is actually Baloo from The Jungle Book
If the bear is snarling and growling, take a moment and ask the bear what’s really going on. It’s hard to differentiate between an adult bear and a teen bear, so maybe he’s just a teenager having problems at home. This would explain why he’s lashing out at a stranger.
If you can get behind the bear, look and see if there’s a tape deck on his back. In the 90’s many parents realized their kid had grown out of their Teddy Ruxpin phase and set them out into the wild. If you realize you’ve encountered a Teddy Ruxpin, he may be angry because there’a tape is lodged in his back.
One of the most important items to keep on you when camping is a blue jacket, red hat, and red boots. It’s a well-known fact that every bear yearns to be like Paddington Bear, so if you come across an angry grizzly, extend the items as a peace offering. Paddington is to bears what Jennifer Lawrence is to white girls.
I know you’ve seen those adorable Coca Cola commercials where polar bears are having a great time and drinking soda. This is ONLY true with polar bears. Any other bear finds it highly offensive when you offer them a Coke and will respond in a very unpleasant way. Here’s what each type of bear prefers to drink: Black Bear: Surge, Brown Bear: Unsweetened Tea, Polar Bear: Coke, Panda Bear: Anything manufactured by the RC Cola Company, Sloth Bear: Jones Soda
If you want to try and play dead, you can survive that way, but there’s a protocol you need to follow. First, fall down and pretend to die. The bear will be curious and come over to investigate, but when he gets close, turn on P.O.D.’s hit single Alive at full volume. He’ll be startled that you’re still alive, but even more confused as to why you have P.O.D. so readily available on your phone.
As soon as he starts to approach you, pull out vacation pictures and start going through each one telling him in painful detail what was happening during each shot. This will make the bear hang himself.
If you have an extra iPhone, slide it over to the bear. He’ll start texting, reading emails, and checking Instagram. Soon he’ll be so completely entrenched in social media that he won’t even look up at dinner. Quietly slip away.
When the bear charges at you, yell out “RED LIGHT!” If he knows the rules of Red Light, Green Light, he’ll immediately stop. If he keeps going he’s a stupid cheater and no one likes him anyway.
If all else fails, just ask him if he’s seen The Wire. If he’s eaten any white guys in the past, he knows how much you’re about to ramble on and on about it, so he’s probably not going to want to deal with that. The Wire literally just saved your life.
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.