One of the most difficult things that happens in life is going through a bad breakup. You feel like everything enters a state of transition and that everyone looks at you and think, “Is he ok?” If you’ve ever felt like you lost it just a bit after a bad breakup, don’t worry; you’re definitely not alone. Here are 14 dumb things that everyone does after a particularly terrible breakup.
1. The No Big Deal
You always want to look like you won the breakup. What does that mean? No one really knows, but it becomes vitally important, for some reason. Remember when Zack Morris went to The Max with a new girl while Kelly was working and played their song on the jukebox? He was going for that win.
2. The We Can Still Be Friends and It Won’t Be Weird At All Phase
Somehow you’ve convinced yourself that it wouldn’t be a problem to be pals after the most traumatic breakup of your life. “Hey maybe you could even set me up with one of YOUR friends!” you exclaim with dead eyes. You may even think you’re cool with it, but if you saw her with someone else right now you’d start coughing up blood.
3. The Mope
This is the point where you come into work wearing two different shoes and when someone asks you if you know the weather for the weekend, you start singing lyrics from “Nobody Knows” by The Tony Rich Project. Doritos become a side item for all of your meals and more than one delivery guy has ended up giving you a hug. You probably even looked at your pet and said, “You’ll never leave me though” but in the back of your mind you know he might run away too and you start crying.
4. The Idiotic Rebound
Instead of taking a break to emotionally recover, you’ll decide the best way to keep from drowning is to dive right back into the deep end of the dating pool. These aren’t the people your friends might suggest, either. We’re talking the deep realms of Tinder. You’ll probably hook up with a few of them to try and subdue the emptiness in your heart for 20 minutes at a time. Everyone realizes you’re doing this except you.
5. The Rebound Replacement
Just to prove everyone wrong, you’ll even attempt to date one of these randos. You’ll laugh at bad jokes and have talks with your friends that start out with the phrase, “Ok look, I know she might be a little…”
6. The Rebound Meltdown
Either you or the rando will realize this is a terrible mistake and you’ll split up, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal since you went out three times. Unfortunately you’ve been carrying around all the built-up emotions from your original breakup and you’ll have a complete meltdown over this one. I’m talking like 808s and Heartbreaks-style. “She was the one! I just know it!” you’ll proclaim, while vaguely remembering her name or face.
7. The Moment of Tranquility
For a brief moment, everything seems to be getting better. Work is getting back to normal and you’ve even started exercising. You got a fresh new haircut at a place that doesn’t mention the word value in its title. You’re bouncing back, until the next awful phase.
8. The Musical Relapse
You’ve convinced yourself you’re completely over it and that she doesn’t even matter to you anymore. Then one day you’re driving down the road and a song comes on. It’s K-Ci & JoJo’s “Crazy.” This song was playing the first time you kissed. You start sobbing every time JoJo hits a high note.
9. The Candy Store of Bitterness
It’s like a Linkin Park song just started blasting in your brain. You decide to show her how much better off you are without her by doing everything she disliked, listening to the bands she hates, and eating at the restaurants she refused to walk into. It’s the dating equivalent of getting a stupid tattoo on your 18th birthday.
10. The Social Media Showdown
You’ll start checking her Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, and LinkedIn at least three times an hour. Anything she writes you start reading into it and trying to figure out how it’s about you. “Oh you’re going to the grocery store? Is that a shot at me because I forgot your orange juice the last time I went to the store? Is it??” You also assume every new Facebook friend is her new love interest and you instantly want to murder them.
11. The Highlight Reel
Even if the relationship was bad, you’ll start romanticizing it and only focusing on the positives. You’ll ignore that she always corrected stranger’s grammar or the time she said Led Zeppelin is overrated. The highlights play over and over in your mind until you convince yourself you’ve lost the one perfect person for you. You were miserable in the relationship, but you’ve convinced yourself otherwise.
12. The Attempted Reconciliation
Eventually you’ll do the worst thing possible; you’ll start trying to get back together while pretending you’re just trying to be friends. You’ll bring up old inside jokes and funny things that happened on trips then you’ll say things like, “We sure did have some good times, didn’t we?”
13. The One Night Only Performance
Nostalgia and wine will get the best of you both and you’ll make the mistake of hooking up. For one of you it was just a terrible mistake, but for the other, this is the beginning of a fresh start. Unfortunately the same problems that ruined the relationship before are still there, even though you pulled out some parkour-like sex moves. This will lead to an even more unpleasant talk and one of you will end up storming out. Hopefully it’s the one that doesn’t live there, because that could be awkward.
14. The Sarah McLachlan Sad Dog Commercial Phase
Finally you’ll coil back into a hole of sadness and self-pity like your life’s soundtrack is one of those commercials where Sarah tries to get you to adopt a sad animal in a cage. You’ll swear you’re never going to recover and love is dead for you. You’ll feel this way for maybe a few weeks. Then you’ll meet someone new, forget any of this ever happened, and start the whole process over. Hooray relationships!