Hillary Clinton, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio all have announced they’re running for president. It’s far too early to predict a winner, but it’s not too early to examine each candidate’s logo in minute detail and draw far-fetched conclusions about each man or woman’s potential to lead the most powerful nation in the history of the world based solely on an image approved by dozens of risk-averse campaign staffers.
Rand Paul has big plans for America, and those plans include turning it into an Amoco station.
Paul is a proponent of small government. If it were up to him, the entire federal governmental apparatus would fit in a building the size of a filling station and be manned by one guy making minimum wage. Are you a logging company that needs a permit for chopping down trees on federal land? Use the self-serve permit pumps, please.
There’s more at play here, of course. Have you ever heard of an Amoco station invading a BP or a Shell? No. That’s by design for this non-interventionist candidate. President Paul’s Amoco America is a peaceful, non-warring filling station of commerce and peace and beef jerky.
Two fire logos? Republicans are pissed, yo. Ted Cruz’s logo says “I will set this fucking country on fire in order to save it, my fellow Americans.” Not only that, but the flag is reversed. If a Democrat went with the crazy-reverse-shaped burning flag logo, Rush Limbaugh’s face would explode into a thousand fiery medusas.
As for the serif font, it’s reminiscent of ancient text, which is supposed to remind you of the Constitution, which Cruz would like to remind everyone is a thing that still exists. For now.
This logo says to America: “Turn here to go to the Hospital.” Some might construe this as shoddy design, because you never want your presidential campaign associated with a place people go to die. (Unless you’re, say, Vladimir Putin.) But I believe Clinton is trying to tell us something. She’s saying, “I am going to protect President Obama’s health care law, but I am going to turn to my colleagues on the right side of the aisle to do so.” Hence, the red arrow. Shrewd.
As for the color scheme and shapes, they are less reminiscent of the Stars and Stripes and much more reminiscent of France and Cuba’s flags.
This, of course, is because Clinton wishes America was more like socialist France and communist Cuba, and let there be no doubt she will rename America to Fruba if elected.
What stands out here is that a tiny America dots the i in Rubio’s name, which isn’t egotistical at all. Shockingly, Rubio refuses to recognize Hawaii and Alaska as part of his dotted i America. Hawaii is understandable, because that’s where President Obama comes from, and any GOP president worth his salt will sever our ties with those leper islands immediately. But Alaska is a mystery. It’s the No. 1 source of our country’s best reality fishing industry television programs. Its exclusion is inexplicable and shortsighted and not presidential.
Worth noting: The Rubio name is all lower-case letters, a ploy clearly intended to appeal to the rising generation of text-loving, grammar-hating millennials who will vote in the 2016 presidential election.
We’re probably one election away from a presidential emoji logo, America.
Credit where it’s due. This post was inspired by my funny friends Jim (Hillary = hospital sign), Jeff (Rand = Amoco) and ME (Hillary = France + Cuba), who were all dicking around on Facebook when they should have been working today.
Joe Donatelli is the Sex & Culture Editor of Playboy.com. Twitter: @joedonatelli.