Fifty Shades of Grey premieres this Valentine’s Day weekend, and we at want to make sure you’re prepared. Here are some things we encourage you to take to the theater: 1) a healthy sense of skepticism toward Christian Grey’s method of wooing women, 2) a “don’t-try-this-at-home-without-watching-the-YouTube-video-first” attitude regarding all demonstrated BDSM techniques, and 3) a flask.

Bring along the following guidelines (modify as you see fit) and take a drink every time…

  • Christian demonstrates his skills as a world-class stalker
  • You are introduced to an employee of Christian’s (two drinks if it’s a blond woman)
  • There is a gratuitous display of Christian’s wealth (two drinks if somebody mentions Christian’s helicopter, Charlie Tango, by name)
  • Christian tells Ana she should stay away from him or that he would be bad for her
  • You wonder if Christian is a vampire
  • Ana blushes
  • Ana bites her lip
  • Ana friend-zones Jose
  • Somebody says “laters”
  • Elliot is charming
  • Katherine Kavanagh is a boss (two drinks if she is called by her full name)
  • Somebody mentions “the contract” (two drinks if Ana is unsure whether or not to sign it)