Here they are folks, the funniest tweeters under 5k followers. In addition to some of my favorite tweeters that have been around for years there are numerous new users on here as well with hilarious tweets from different parts of the world, all adding their own style and humor to the mix. At the inception of this list every tweeter had under 5,000 followers, but as many of you are turned on to these hidden gems, this is sure to change.
Danezie is one of my all-time favorites and as an added bonus, his bio “never been featured in Playboy” can now finally change.
Under Judge Judy’s robe is a fully functioning Hard Rock Cafe.— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) February 27, 2015
Karen spends her time taking care of her fruit bat Francis and creating colorful “Snurbs” to display in her etsy shop.
CRAPPY STUFF FOR JERKS
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.— crappystuffforjerks (@somecleverthing) May 25, 2014
Rebecca is witty, kind and genuinely likes to interact with other users on this site so I advise you to quickly befriend her.
I bet Mary would get really pissed trying to give Jesus a bath when he’s just like floating on top of the water like a little asshole baby— sean (@scawn_) October 7, 2013
Irony loving Canadian boy with a passion for Tom Hanks movies.
By 2034, sex ed programs will include a full chapter on the “u up?” text.— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) February 17, 2015
Alison is a New York comedian and comic, hopefully working hard to shape future generations Sexual Education textbooks.
My sleep number is ‘alone’— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) February 10, 2015
Some say she’s never left that couch…
this brownie is so moist— joe to the world (@gojarbe) February 9, 2015
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Joe is an avid user and advocator of words that make others uncomfortable.
[repeatedly tries to commit suicide but the flying dude from mario kart keeps picking me up and putting me on top of the building]— 🐸 droob 🐸 (@droobis) July 25, 2014
Self-proclaimed “dong chongler,” Droobis has a different style of humor than most on this site which is very refreshing.
Just flew in from The Island of Doctor Moreau and boy are my arms tigers.— HannuKia Soul (@bizmichael) April 21, 2014
Mike is an extremely talented artist and shirt designer, find some of his work I’m a fan of over at mikelevinecameupwith.com.
How do ghosts wear clothes in movies? Do clothes die?— Mike Glazer (@glazerboohoohoo) November 6, 2014
Mike is a writer for Billy on the Street (which is also extremely funny) and a successful comedy author.
Before you try to have sex with me, I think you should know that I never even let the microwave finish.— MerGyver (@HoneyWooWoo) February 13, 2015
Not to be confused with the TLC show, HoneyWooWoo is actually enjoyable & extremely worth your time.
A PILE OF CHEESE
*Pours 2 liters of 7-Up Ten onto a patch of gravel covered in shredded cheese*— 🧀 (@Cheese_Pile) August 20, 2013
“Crops look good this year, Margaret,” I say to no one.
I think about this tweet often for some reason, and hopefully after reading it you will too. The cheese is good.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”— Todd 'Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 27, 2014
- God, naming things
God and Todd rhyming may not just be a coincidence.
THE GOOD SPUD
*First date*— Spudfiend9000 (@TheColdWario) February 28, 2015
Crazy fact about me … Uh .. I ate my brother in the womb. No, no! Not my twin. Apparently I managed to lure him back in there
The smallest account on this list (at the time of its creation), Spud has twistedly funny jokes that will hopefully soon push him up the rankings.
HOT DOG WEINER
Haha this loser is waiting for my parking spot because she thinks I’m leaving, but I’m really just eating my lunch alone in my car.— Hot Dog Wiener (@googleymoogley) August 26, 2013
Rachel is a fiery Texan that has a strained relationship with Full House’s Dave Coulier.
[Wheel Of Fortune]— pharmaCODYnamics (@RxitWounds) October 6, 2014
__T __S _ L____ D___
Me: “I would like to solve the puzzle. 'Pat has a large dick’”
Me: “lmao thought so
All I can say regarding this is poor Pat should have seen it coming.
*Inserts my penis into birdhouse”— andy (@crabgirl_) February 5, 2015
*Birdfamily of three and suited realtorbird are inside*
Realtorbird-This almost never happens I promise
Even though Crab Girl may be one of the smallest accounts on this list, this may be one of my favorites along with their many other gems.
I just left Best Buy and the idiot greeter said “Good Buy”. He didn’t even know the name of the place!! He must be new.— Jim Bubes (@DrGhostbaby) August 16, 2013
I’m not sure how this baby got his PHD nor turned into a ghost, but I feel it’s best not to ask question and just follow him.
spent Saturday night embroidering my wifi password pic.twitter.com/kXjEgm53Tc— Sandy Honig (@sandyhonig) January 4, 2015
Staff photographer for Rookie Magazine and one hell of an embroiderer.
My friend asked for help for his homework assignment and this is what we came up with pic.twitter.com/0cMus0nqRU— favstar mom (@KatharosScum) March 18, 2015
Katie has announced her candidacy for the next presidential election. After reading the bit about Audioslave I hope she secures your vote.
SOME LIGHT CRYING
[Describing criminal to police sketch artist]— some light crying (@somelightcrying) September 2, 2014
This is all wrong. First of all, he wasn’t a drawing.
Brief tweets that just really make you smile and only cry a tad.
LIL JON LOVITZ
*classroom of deer are silently taking a test*— lil jolly lovitz (@nbadag) March 13, 2015
*pencil lead snaps*
*every head in the room jerks up*
*teacher just fucken bolts*
The setting may be a little ridiculous, but his tweets set the scene for you to laugh and imagine freely.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) November 14, 2013
Alicia is a very, very sick ten year old with quite the clever timeline.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.— flan swanson (@johnbiehl) October 15, 2014
That’s just one of the greatest tweets I’ve ever seen.
PROSE AND CONNORS
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.— Connor (@EdgarAllanLo) November 18, 2013
Edgar has risen from the dead with a new, lighter style of writing.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography— Jingle Yael (@elle91) October 14, 2014
Yael is quickly cultivating followers, with numerous quality tweets and witty replies she’s a delight.
a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar. everyone else walks out of the bar.— ann (@omically) December 13, 2014
Part of Obama’s advising staff that who likes to substitute in as president in their free time.
10,000 years ago people didn’t even know what a wheel was and they could still draw better horses than me.— matt (@shadygrenade) April 20, 2014
Hardly shady at all, Matt is actually nice guy from Minnesota with some swell tweets.
THE ROBOT SPY
Her tweets are protected so go follow her.
This wonderful gal is the only writer for The Onion that is also part robot (to my knowledge).
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) December 20, 2014
Brian is a DC resident, playwright, and man who is one hell of a puppeteer.
would love to get a round of applause unrelated to me being ejected from a restaurant— Django Gold (@django) February 13, 2015
Satirist who Sonny Rollins once accused of “trying to “kill jazz.“
the first time my dog brought me a beer it was awesome but now I’m trapped by thousands of beers I’m so drunk where does he get them from— Elektralytes (@Elektralytes) December 5, 2013
You probably should follow her before the dog brings any more beers…
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.— Pop Pop (@seandunn76) July 7, 2014
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
This tweet almost single handedly enticed me into re-watching A Night at the Roxbury, ALMOST.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say "asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) October 25, 2014
This was getting a little ridiculous, I’m happy that Ariel finally fessed up to it all.
My mom wrote “Objects not as close as they appear” on all our family photos.— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) March 4, 2015
Depressingly funny sometimes, Sam really knows how to utilize all emotions for an effective tweet.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD— yeah, phil (@PhilJamesson) March 17, 2015
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Philip is an NYU graduate and a part-time youtuber / feline barkeep.
Making the bed everyday is proving to be:— Mel•mur (@nursemella) March 10, 2014
A. Incredibly time consuming
B. a lot of work
D. A total waste I don’t need more beds
Her tweets are silly and right up my alley, hopefully yours too.
I put my pants on just like everyone else, 3 pants at a time. No, 2 legs/1 arm at a time. No,— Meowrin (@marinhubka) September 2, 2014
[to butler] WINSTON! HOW DO WE PUT MY PANTS ON
Hopefully Marin has figured out how to get her pants on so she can get back to writing some more hilarious tweets.
I bet there’s nothing more obnoxious than a theatre major faking an orgasm— dead freezer girl (@hiitsmolly) February 7, 2014
Liker of birds, disliker of exaggeration.
You can easily calculate how shitty a relationship was by plotting the ex axis along the why axis— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) October 20, 2014
Leah is a talented illustrator and apparent mathematician.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 22, 2015
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I’m just hoping to get in on this reverse wealth Abby is going to receive.\
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.— Sharla Tsweb (@eye_spyder) November 15, 2013
Sharla Tsweb has mastered the art of the pun, from the ones that make you laugh and groan to the ones that make you double take, they’re all here.
Hallelujah? Helen, open your eyes. It’s raining men. Think of the damage to our crops. This manstorm has ruined us.— Beau Hartenstine (@madcaplaughs30) June 9, 2014
Chicago funny man and disgruntled farmer.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) April 9, 2015
Ali is a writer’s assistant on Amazon Studios’ Hand of God series and a scarecrow enthusiast.
DON G FUTURE
*Lego man gets home after a rough day at the office*— don. just don (@dongfuture) November 5, 2014
“Great, and now my house is a spaceship again”
Canadian man, jokester, and artist, Don rules.
*stares into the abyss*— Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) June 8, 2014
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Hell enthusiast with some pretty sweet sunglasses.
TRIBAL SPACE CAT
“Um wow okay”— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 14, 2014
-all of Santa’s other reindeer
While we can’t be entirely sure what her twitter handle means, we can be sure on one thing, “she is flirting with you”.
SUPER WIZARD BRO
Hi I’m Ben Franklin and this is Jackass!— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) November 22, 2014
*Flies a kite in a thunder storm*
Simple, but effectively funny tweets, plus he’s a wizard bro.
i’m sorry ms. jackson °•·ooooh·•°— LΞI (@leifromloihi) September 4, 2013
i broke the fourth seal
never meant to destroy human life
they gave me this pale horse i could ride
This isn’t Lei’s only tweet regarding Andre 3000; if that doesn’t peak your interest then I don’t know what will.
Sorry I referred to your four children as “a franchise that gets weaker with each installment.”— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) December 29, 2014
Merman is a notably excellent account that I recently came across, offering helpings of laughs and advice for New York City residents she’s splendid.
[At doctor’s]— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) November 10, 2014
“Are you sexually active?”
Haha yes but you don’t know her she lives in a different town
A man who is no longer welcomed at this doctor’s office.
Me: Who’s coming to your party?— ceeks (@70Ceeks) November 3, 2014
Teen Son: Just sayin’
Me: We’ve been over this. He’s your cousin. It’s pronounced Sean.
McDonalds connoisseur and advocator of phonetically sound names.
Do people with feet fetishes ever “get off on the wrong foot?”— Wiener Toboggan (@WienerToboggan) July 27, 2013
Wonderful jokester that’s been making funnies and paintings as long as I can recall on this site. Check out this lion’s art at chytlaart.com.
[picks up crying baby]— Dylan (@dyldonot) January 28, 2015
it’s ok buddy, when you grow up you’ll learn how to do this on the inside
A university student from Ireland that knows how to properly soothe a crying baby.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.— Abby Menorahmal (@MrsTomServo) November 13, 2014
So radically different that she once used the contraction “guys’re” in one of her tweets.
As I was compiling this list of wonderful tweeters I came across the following four users that had been under 5,000 but have now passed the mark. I couldn’t rightfully put them on the list so instead they’re listed below a terrific tweet from each of them; congrats gang!
If I ever saw a baby smoking a cigarette I would be like WTF I have the perfect tiny leather jacket I’ve been saving for this exact occasion— madeleine sweet (@madeleinesweet) February 27, 2015
If u let ur kid run & scream in the mall I swear to god I’ll follow u home & sit in my car sobbing as I watch ur beautiful family eat dinner— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) December 20, 2013
[driving with recently divorced friend]— josh (@ruinedpicnic) March 24, 2015
“Which way do we turn here?”
[fifteen seconds later]
“You know who else left”
BOUNCER: ID please— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 11, 2015
B: *eyeing me* when’s ur birthday
M: sept. 5th
B: *writing it down* ok gotta make sure to get u something nice
Need more funny tweets? Check out Playboy’s 50 Funniest Women on Twitter.
Stephen is a joke teller and Twitter master based out of San Diego. Follow him here: @Thynebear.