Ever wonder what it would be like to be a straight guy working at Victoria’s Secret? If not you should. It’s the closest you will come to being Mel Gibson in What Women Want and inside the mind of the opposite sex. Over the past four years I have worked as a cashier at various Victoria’s Secret locations around the country. No matter the destination or circumstances it seem some things never change. I learned a lot being a fly on the wall and sometimes a piece of meat to my co-workers and customers. From promotions to cougars, Victoria’s Secret has proven to be a hotbed of information. So listen up, the secret is out.
1. It takes a real man to have his sexuality questioned.
Being a straight guy working at Victoria’s Secret is like being Bruce Jenner: no matter what you do, girls always think you’re looking at their heels and trying to put on their make-up. I’ve been asked “does this make me look fabulous,” “would you wear this for your boyfriend,” and “how does this fit on you?“
When I saw an attractive customer, she naturally assumed the bulge in my pants was a walkie talkie. At first, this drove me crazy. While most men would take offense, I embraced the questions. I replied with “my ex-girlfriend was a medium, but you look like a small,” then I’d slip them my number. Trust me, it works.
2. Women are more perverted than men.
Fellas, do you want to know the best way to find out if you’re attractive? Walk into any Victoria’s Secret, and they will let you know. You would think that those headsets the associates wear are just for relaying merchandise. Wrong. They use codes to let the store know about a good looking guy. They use words such as “onyx” if you’re black, “stallion” if you’re Italian, and your 1-10 rating. The most common code, however, is 69. Next time, listen for your number.
3. Your sex life is water cooler talk.
If your girlfriend works at VS, I know exactly what happens under your covers. Yes, I know what spots you are and are not hitting. And yes, I know that she broke up with you because you never work out. Here’s something to keep in mind: if your girlfriend never brings a lunch to work and always comes home full, she’s having sex with the guy in the food court.
4. Sleeping your way to the top still applies.
There are just as many lesbians working at VS as there are men and they are making their way up the ranks. Overnight set-ups and restockings often lead to sexual encounters in the fitting rooms, and those encounters can end with the promotion of the less-than-qualified associate. Feel free to put your heteronormative mind back in the gutter.
5. How to understand a cougar.
The first thing you have to know about cougars is this: they are hunting you. These women literally come to Victoria’s Secret to get draped in animal prints and compliments from guys like me. I’ve been offered money and clothes just for standing behind the register. I once had a woman offer me a trip to Israel… as long as we recreated scenes from National Geographic! They are aggressive and they have bigger ovaries than you have balls, so treat those wrinkles as battle scars.
6. How to spot fake breasts.
I can always spot when a woman is cheating in the chest. As a straight guy in Victoria’s Secret, you get used to seeing A-cups turn to Cs and C-cups turn to Ds. After becoming “bra certified,” I understood how a push-up bra functions and can use it as a lie detector when meeting a woman. Now, all I need is a way to tell if her ass is real.
7. Retail sucks no matter where you work.
Even if you are surrounded by beautiful women, retail is still retail. Long hours for minimum wage and a 30-minute lunch break can drive anyone crazy. It seemed like there are more steps to folding a thong than the American Flag. After five hours of Beyonce on repeat, you’ll think you are in Guantanamo Bay. Believe me, there is nothing like getting a returned swimsuit and finding a burgundy stain. You have to "do what’s best for the customer” and catalog it, and store it right behind you for hours. Even worse, though, are the times you have to argue with a grandmother about the use of an expired coupon. You’ll feel terrible about yourself… until you realize she’s trying to buy 4-for-$28 lacy thongs.