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7 Video Games That Will Totally Make You Better at Sex, Maybe

7 Video Games That Will Totally Make You Better at Sex, Maybe:

Sex might be the most natural thing in the world, but nobody’s born good at it. Like everything else, sex takes practice.

Thankfully, some forward-thinking game developers are here to help. While these titles may or may not help you score between the sheets, they’re sure to give you a fun, awkward, messy, occasionally frustrating, and ultimately satisfying experience—just like sex itself.

See what I did there?


1

YOU DID WHAT TO YOUR PHONE?
’Lick This’
Lick This! starts innocent enough. Flick a light switch on and off! Keep a beach ball in the air! And then you realize it’s a “tongue training app,” and that you’re supposed to be playing by licking your phone, and wait a second, I see what’s going on here…

If you want some, ahem, protection, you can cover your phone in plastic wrap while playing. Just make sure to pay attention; it’s easy to accidentally close the app with your tongue, meaning that an extremely awkward phone call is only one or two haphazard licks away.


2

TAKE YOUR TIME
’Luxuria Superbia’
Finding someone to knock boots with is one thing. Making sure they’re satisfied is another entirely. That’s the central conceit of Luxuria Superbia, a game that asks you to make your partner last as long as possible. The game starts by zooming inside a blooming flower (yes, that’s called a metaphor) to reveal a scrolling tunnel. Stroke the tunnel’s walls, and they’ll fill with color. Keep going, and plants bloom. Sometimes, rockets explode. The longer that you can keep the flower “aroused” without making the tunnel explode in orgasmic white light, the higher your score will be.

To succeed, you’ll need to pay close attention to the signs that the game is giving you, and adjust accordingly. That kind of awareness won’t just help you win the game—it’ll make you a much more generous partner in real life, too. Allegedly, at least.


3

HOW DOES THAT THING WORK, ANYWAY?
’HappyPlayTime’
Technically, HappyPlayTime is designed to “eliminate the stigma around female masturbation,” but there’s tons of additional good information here for vaginal owners and aficionados alike. HappyPlayTime puts players in charge of stroking, petting, and poking Happy, an anthropomorphized vulva.

The goal is to get Happy off as many times as possible. It’s basically a clitoral Tamagotchi: succeed, and Happy will coo with pleasure. Fail, and she’ll storm away, angry. HappyPlayTime won’t magically unlock all of the vagina’s mysteries, but it might teach you some new tricks. Maybe.


4. Stick Shift

YOUR CAR TAKES CARE OF YOU. TAKE CARE OF IT BACK.
’Stick Shift’
Director Robert Yang describes *Stick Shift as “an autoerotic night-driving game,” but let’s call it what it is: a mechanophiliac (i.e. the condition of really, really wanting to bone a car) handjob simulator.

By moving your mouse, you rub the car’s manual transmission, making the car purr with pleasure. Just make sure to switch gears as the tension mounts; otherwise, the engine stalls, and you’ll have to start over. The game ends when the driver leans back in his seat, smoking a cigarette as fluid leaks from the car’s tailpipe. Just watch out for the police. If you get pulled over, you’ll be locked you out of the game; the only way to get back to the action is to sit and wait.


5

MAKE SURE YOU’VE GOT EVERYTHING COVERED
’Safe Sex With Friends’
Mix Scrabble with bathroom-stall graffiti and you might get Safe Sex with Friends, a game designed to teach teenagers about birth control. Like in *Scrabble, there’s a board, and players are assigned tiles. However, in Safe Sex with Friends, players aren’t making words, but strings of safe-sex friendly genital combinations. Match a penis with a condom, for example, and you can follow it with a vagina or a butt. Players can also use a “no barrier” tile to denote actions like holding hands or kissing. The longer your string of tiles, the more points you earn.

If that’s not enough sexy education for you, there’s also Sex City, a quiz game that pits superheroes like Captain Condom and Wonder Vag against the Sperminator, a villain who shoots infected semen out of penis-shaped hands. That’s not how sex really works, but Sex City is sponsored by the Canadian government, so who knows? Maybe they do things differently up there.


6.Dark Room Sex Game

PLAY NICE WITH OTHERS
’Dark Room Sex Game’
In Dark Room Sex Game—the world’s most awkward party game—players pair off, each one holding a Wii controller that moans every time it’s moved.

With only sounds to guide them (as per the name, Dark Room Sex Game is supposed to be played in the dark), couples move their Wiimotes (and their bodies) in a mutual rhythm, gradually increasing in speed until the remotes climax. In other words, it’s exactly like real sex, except without all of that icky touching.


7. Consensual Torture Simulator

LEARN THE ROPES
’Consensual Torture Simulator’
Interested in BDSM, but don’t know how to get started? Check out Consensual Torture Simulator, a Choose Your Own Adventure-style text game about pushing your partner—and yourself—to the limit. Just like a real BDSM experience, the game begins with a negotiation; after settling on a safe word, the encounter begins. Your goal is to beat your partner until she cries while making sure that both torturer and victim remain safe, healthy, and happy.

For newbies, the text-only interface provides a gentle introduction to a potentially unsettling experience. The game’s ending is surprising, too. Consensual Torture Simulator presents BDSM as an activity that’s ultimately not about the pain, but the trust between two people. As a game, Consensual Torture Simulator is pretty simple; as a work of interactive fiction, it’s unexpectedly romantic, showing first-hand how this type of encounter can actually be the foundation of a tender, loving relationship.


Christopher Gates is a writer and video game critic from Los Angeles, CA. In his spare time, he watches too much baseball, reads too many comics, and drinks too much beer. Follow him on Twitter at @ChrisWGates.


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