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8 Alternative Graduation Cap Toppers for the Modern Grad

It’s graduation season, kittens! A new brood of panting youth are about to be released upon the earth to plague it with enthusiasm and basic Adobe skills. While you embark on your last hoorah in a sea of booze cruises and messy breakups, it’s high time you consider the cap you’re going to wear in the audience as a keynote speaker drones on about dreams and their own success.

The graduation cap is the first move for your #personal #brand as an adult in the world, and how are you going to work internships for the next five years without a #strong #brand? Go crazy, kids.


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OPTION #1: For the ne’er-do-well who’s trying to keep is simple, a hand gesture and a simple letterman font should suffice. This one is for the guy who didn’t get any financial aid but still managed to never declare a major.


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OPTION #2: For the bitter grad just a tax bracket away from financial aid who, while they did declare a major, declared that major as poetry. Better luck next lifetime, Poe!


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OPTION #3: This one doesn’t need any explanation, really, but in another world is a full-length Shakespearean tragedy. Tough break, Cube Head.


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OPTION #4: Sarah was a super sweet girl from New Mexico freshman year, got a little too involved in co-ed a cappella sophomore year, took a gap year junior year to save the elephants and let’s face the music, gang, it’s over. She never had a chance to dye her hair a weird color and that’s bound to cause some resentment.


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OPTION #5: Oh, brother. These will occupy at least half the audience. Avoid these people. They are the ones whose clickbait will litter your Facebook feed for millennia to come, invite you to their weddings when you weren’t even that close and—more sinful than anything—will get a Harry Potter tattoo.


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OPTION #6: Everyone in your college orientation group will be wearing an overly referential, too cutesy inspiring message that will crack their aunt up and cause every other eye in the auditorium to become firmly lodged in their skulls.


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OPTION #7: This one’s for your stoner friend in the first sort of funny joke they’ve made since that time they face planted into the samurai sword they inexplicably bought off of eBay and used their Belushi “COLLEGE” poster to mop up their own blood.


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OPTION #8: Finally, if you’re feeling a little bit vintage, feel free to use my grandmother’s likeness and yearbook quote atop your head. Joke’s on her! It’s the 1950s and women won’t have rights for years, and sort of not even now!

Go forth and prosper, young kings and queens, we can’t wait to see for all that shiny potential to be beaten out of you.


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