There will be movies this year. You will see some I bet. And you will see these 9 movies for sure because it’s impossible not to.
Animated Movie For Children That Makes Adults Cry
Guess what? You’re repressed. You have unresolved feelings about your grandpa/childhood/dog/iron-giant and the hammer is about to drop. These movies are designed to trap you exactly like a Saturday Night Live reunion show, by preying on your sense of youthful nostalgia and then leaving you really sad.
Sisters Stop Fighting
One sister is fancy and the other one is chill. The fancy one has a lot of work that she brought from the office and she needs to get it done even though it’s the holidays and mom has been keeping her cancer a secret. At one point the chill sister throws Fancy’s phone into a tub or some leaves or something. Can Fancy save the Preemore account? Will the sisters settle their differences in time to participate in the family tradition of shooting a Thanksgiving missile into the lake? Will they hug? Yes.
Love isn’t easy, especially in a medium that relies on conflict as the engine to drive a story. In the movies, love needs to be terrible, and the people who are in love need to suffer Oppenheimer levels of regret. Everyone knows it can’t be real if there isn’t some simple misunderstanding, that leads to a complete overreaction, which leads to a period of reflection, and then a unhealthy declaration like “I only burned down the ranch because…” and then a baby or wedding.
Vampire Love Gauntlet
If you think normie love is tough try doing love when you also need to secure a safe source of fresh blood every night to survive. It takes a lot of your time and effort, and seduction is pretty difficult when you can’t make sure you look nice in the mirror. Plus there are always werewolves (the bros of the wolf world) to absolutely ruin the party for everyone.
Think about a movie that you really like. Ok, now imagine if they replaced everything you like about it with a disingenuous, stunt-casting, cash grab. Like how the characters feel real? * Too bad, everyone is hot now. *Enjoyed the story? Tough shit, they did a fun twist that somehow incorporates the Internet. *Hoping to see a clever and rewarding cameo by the original stars? * Go die, they need the money and are willing to do whatever.
Old Man Gets A Kiss
Yes old people watch movies, heck, they invented them. As you know, where there is old people, there is rolled coin, which is just as good as regular money if you know a bank. Sweet quarts and dimes are exactly why they make movies for old people, and I’ll tell you right now, the biggest one this year is going to be from England or one of those other sheep countries. All the actors will be cooler than your grandparents and somehow an Inn will rekindle their romance. There will be a bunch of jokes about how hard it is too pee when you get old, or how you pee too much when you get old, I don’t know, I’m 28, my junk is still humming.
Bored Actor Gets Skinny
For years, the sign of a true master actor was the ability to convincingly portray someone with the desire to shoot guns and kiss models. Now, if you want to be a big shot thespian, you need to get so skinny it’s weird. Most A-list celebrities won’t even look at a script these days if their character isn’t described as uncomfortably gaunt or skeletal, and all overweight actors have been relegated to Judd Apatow movies.
Man Touches A Crystal And Gets Muscles
It’s almost summer and you know what that means - the comic book companies are dusting off their most forgettable throwaways from the 60’s! Join a white man as he somehow stumbles into omnipotent powers and uses them to sleep with the girl who didn’t like him. Featuring music from your uncle’s car, and stunts made by clicking on the computer, this movie will make more money than some countries.
Food Ruining Documentary
Time for a new food you love to be ruined because you find out it’s made of blood or something. If you have a relative, you’ve heard all about these kinds of movies, and you’ve learned that nothing can make you an expert in every single aspect of nutrition faster than one of these 80-minute masterpieces. If there is an opposite of food porn, this is it. The information is usually so disgusting it will make you want to puke ghost food from a few years ago.
Nathan is a writer based in Canada of all places. Follow him on Twitter right this second: @thenatewolf.