Last night’s a blur, and the sun shining through the window is burning your retinas. Tt’s a good thing you’re home safe in your own bed. Wait … where the hell are you and who the hell is this other person?
As the night’s boozy details start creeping in, it all comes back to you, but one thing’s for sure: you gotta get the f**k out of there and fast. It’s at this point a lot of rookie mistakes are made and hard lessons are learned – so it’s a good thing we’re here to set you straight. You got laid, and while you might still have a little bit of your dignity, there are a few things you absolutely shouldn’t do when sneaking out of a one-night stand.
1. TAKE YOUR SWEET TIME GETTING UP
Normally you lay around in bed while your body decides when it’s ready to get moving. You have a stranger lying next to you, that option waved goodbye to you when decided to put your nasty bits on someone you just met.
2. TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED
Is there blood anywhere? No? Good. GET OUT OF THERE! You made made a connection with your naughty parts last night. Hooray! The End. Was it the booze or did you think knocking boots the first night you met was the start of a long fruitful relationship? Maybe, but this isn’t the time to figure it out. You can’t even remember your own name let alone someone else’s.
3. CHECK FOR ALL YOUR BELONGINGS
Sorry, like a soldier at war sometimes you have to leave one of your own behind for the greater good. How important was that sock? Do you really need that shoe? If they are on top of your shirt, you let it go. Wallet, phone, keys … that’s it, he rest are unfortunately casualties of war.
4. WAKE THE DOG
If you want a clean getaway you have to become a ninja. Whatever you do don’t wake the dog. It’s all over if you do. One bark and it’s an awkward breakfast conversation over coffee and smeared mascara at a nearby diner. Nice doggie … shhhhh.
5. GO TO THE BATHROOM
Great. You have the rumble tums now. But you better tough it out another five minutes and skedaddle. Don’t leave them something to remember YOU by. Sure in hindsight, late night burritos were a huge mistake, but they don’t deserve to be dragged into your stinky nightmare too. They already had one when they saw you naked.
6. TURN ON YOUR PHONE
Goddamn you! None of it matters! Texts, messages, Facebook updates, you name it. It’s instinctual but they can wait. You almost can’t help it can you? But for the sake of self-preservation, scroll through your messages and piece through the night on the Lyft ride home.
7. TAKE A SOUVERNIR
What are you a serial killer?
8. MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE ROOMMATE
Now’s not the time for hello’s. The less that is said and done the better. Being the mystery man or woman is exciting. A head nod will do because you both know what went down.
9. LEAVE A NOTE
As you make your way to the door you develop a conscience? What are you going to say, “Thanks for that hot action” or “Call Me? :)”?? Sometimes people come in and out of our lives and we are left with a fleeting happy memory and that’s good enough. Now put down the pen and the crumpled receipt you were going to say good-bye with and GO OUT that front door.
Tony Sam is a comedian and can be found on Twitter at @toekneesam.