There will never be a decade of movies like the 90s ever again. I don’t say that as some nostalgia-obsessed 30-year-old that can’t let go of his POG collection either. Technology was at this interesting point where we didn’t completely rely on it like we do now, but we were aware of its potential. Things like iPhones felt more like science fiction than an every day part of life. Because of our advances many movies we grew up loving wouldn’t make sense at all today, as their problems could be instantly solved with a smart phone. Here are 12 movies from the 90s that the iPhone prevents from ever happening again.
1. Home Alone
The entire premise of the movie rests on Kevin thinking he made his family disappear and since the phone lines are down, there’s no way for them to contact him. If Home Alone happened today Kevin would be so busy staring at his phone he probably wouldn’t even notice they were gone. If, by some chance, he looked up and saw they were gone a simple text message would have taken care of everything. Plus Kevin would have posted a pic of Marv and Harry on Instagram and they’d have been identified and arrested before the end of the day.
2. Blank Check
What kind of idiot criminal fills out a check for a kid, after accidentally destroying his bike, and spends more time explaining why he didn’t fill in the amount than it would have taken to just fill in the amount? Since no one besides your aunt who sends you $8 for your birthday every year actually uses checks, the entire premise of Blank Check wouldn’t make sense.
3. The Sandlot
Unfortunately Smalls wouldn’t even have had a chance to join the team because one of the guys could have easily sent out a mass text and found a dozen replacements for their vacant position that wasn’t wearing a hat with a giant trout on the front of it. If he did somehow join the team, he could’ve been spared the wrath of Dennis Leary by simply asking Siri about the signature on that baseball.
4. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
For all I know Rick Moranis found out Disney was actually shrinking children and was so troubled by it he left Hollywood forever. Nonetheless, most of the movie featured the caring, yet irresponsible dad searching for his tiny children all over the house. A quick text would have prevented most of the movie’s most terrifying scenes and may have saved that poor ant’s life from being taken by an angered scorpion.
5. Little Giants
One of the pivotal scenes in Little Giants is when Rick Moranis somehow convinces Spike’s dad that he’s actually Kevin O’Shea, the famed football star. I’m not sure how a man who claims to be a diehard fan had never seen a photo of his idol, but it would take about 4 seconds to do an image search and realize the owner of a gas station was duping him.
6. My Girl
Unfortunately a text from Thomas Jay that said, “BEES!!!!!!!” wouldn’t have helped save his life, but he could have bypassed his entire journey into the woods searching for a mood ring. The App Store has dozens of mood ring apps that, not only would have prevented him from becoming a human beehive, but also wouldn’t have cost him a dime.
There’s no way any parent in their right mind would have sent their chubby little kid to Camp Hope if Yelp had been around. The negative reviews would’ve made sure Tony Perkis never had a job in this town again.
8. Ernest Scared Stupid
I have a hard time believing that, even Ernest couldn’t figure out what MI_K might be. Miak? Really, Ernest? You had to walk by the milk cooler to find that ridiculous stuff. He could have typed in exactly what he knew so far and gotten the answer immediately. That troll was terrifying though, wasn’t it?
9. Homeward Bound
As touching as the story is of a couple of irresponsible pet owners, these animals could have quickly been tracked down instead of living the life of a dog that Sarah McLachlan sings about. Not only could they tag them, their iPhone would have given them up to the minute GPS updates. Rest in peace, Shadow. You were taken too soon and now you’re God’s dog playing fetch on streets of gold.
10. Home Alone 2
By this point it was just obvious that the McCallister’s didn’t care about their youngest son and was trying to find a way to get rid of him. Since Kevin landed in New York with his dad’s wallet and used his credit card, Peter would have been instantly notified via text message about a possible fraudulent charge and the family would’ve been there before Tim Curry even had a chance to sneak into his hotel room like some sort of child murderer.
11. The Mighty Ducks
There’s a good chance most parents wouldn’t have wanted their children being coached by and spending lots of time alone with a convicted criminal that pled down jail time into coaching a kid’s hockey team. As soon as they found out the coach’s name a quick search on one of those criminal background sites would have grounded the ducks and prevented the Flying V from ever taking off.
12. Air Bud
Let’s ignore the fact that a school allowed a dog to play for a basketball team and the kid that had to get cut from the roster so they could make room for a golden retriever. If by some chance this did happen, Vine would explode and he would become such a huge celebrity he wouldn’t waste his time playing on teams where he’s not getting paid the big bucks. Basically he’d turn into LeBron James.
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.