Anyone can get lucky and win their fantasy football league, but it takes genius to destroy one. Here is a step by step, methodical plan to ruin fantasy football for your “friends.”
1. Verbally Agree to Join a Friend’s Big Money League with No Intention of Paying
An entry fee of $500 or more. People are dumb and assume you’ll pay. You will not.
2. Create a New Email Address Just for This League
Trust me, you don’t want these guys clogging up your email with the emails you’ll be getting.
3. Welcome Yourself to the League
The first of many mass emails will be to introduce yourself to the league. Keep it positive here and mostly listen. Give these idiots a good first impression so you can get away with a lot more later.
4. Offend Someone with Your Team Name
Do your best impression of a new girlfriend and stalk these guys online. Chances are they did something (or someone) they’re trying to hide. Ideally they were implicated in the Ashley Madison hack, but that’s a little too convenient. Dig. People have some dark secrets.
5. Force the League to Schedule a Labor Day Weekend Draft
There will be at least one guy who will complain about vacation plans he’s had for months, but this is more important to him and he will begrudgingly agree to carve out the time.
6. Force the League to Reschedule the Draft
Once everyone has agreed to the draft date wait a week and bail on the date. Enough time to watch them scramble, not enough time to find a replacement for you. Present solutions, but only really offer intentionally inconvenient dates and times. Late nights, work days, even after the season starts. This is just foreplay, so above all make sure you get to stay in the league.
7. Make the Draft Take as Long as Possible
Hold up the start by making flimsy excuses about the WiFi. Stretch it out as long as possible and right as they create a plan to kick you out or replace you, you’ve magically solved the problem. Then when it is your turn to pick a player, the wifi problem returns. Throughout the draft keep pushing the limits of their patience by taking forever to make picks.
8. Draft as Many Quarterbacks as Possible
You’re not trying to win the league, you’re trying to ruin it. Nothing annoys fantasy football owners more than hoarders and guys who don’t take it as seriously as they do.
9. Make Bad Trades with Just One Team
The season has started and your team is predictably not competitive, but you probably own a couple players who have some value. You want to trade with the best team as to piss off as many people as possible. You’re testing lifelong friendships by destroying their pretend football league.
10. Change Your Team Name and Logo Every Week To Insult the Friend Your Playing
With a little personal information, a basic knowledge of photoshop and some insinuation you can piss off the league one by one with your team name and logo every week. There are some disturbing images on the “dark web” and all these guys have jobs, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, sisters, children and mothers.
11. Clog the Message Board with Hate Speech
You can’t win a game, but you also can’t be silenced on the league message board. Talk so much that you are the only voice. Be a prick about everything. You’ve done the legwork in step #6 to find out what these grown men are sensitive about. Expose your findings here.
12. Do. Not. Pay.
This is the most important of all the steps. Without this, guys can look beyond the mockery you made of their hobby, because you wasted a lot of money to bring up DUI’s and ex-girlfriends that looked like Hideo Nomo. But to do that for free takes a special kind of evil usually reserved for friends who insist on getting brunch.
13. Go off the Grid
The commish has turned you into the league for not having paid. The other owners will show up one by one on your gmail door with torches and pitchforks. Vanish. Don’t give them the satisfaction of being heard or even acknowledged. Your silence will only cause them to turn on each other.
14. Check In with the League a Year Later
It’s been 9 months since anyone has heard from you. Send this simple email to the league in mid-August right before the start of football season. “When is our draft this year?” Then quickly delete this email account and let their pent up rage escalate as they receive replies from MAILER DAEMON.