If there’s one thing people are passionate about it’s extreme couponing. If there are two things people are passionate about it’s extreme couponing and sports. Friendships have come to an end and divorces have been filed because of sports. Heck, there are people in jail right now because their passion for their favorite sports teams superseded common sense. So how do you become the most obnoxious fan for your team? Here’s a handy guide that’ll have you alienating friends and strangers alike!
This is the most important rule of all. Always. Be. Drunk. It doesn’t matter if you’re at a game at 10am on a Tuesday or if you’re at a friend’s house for a dinner party while the game is casually playing on a TV in the background. You need to make sure you are completely plastered 2 hours before the game even begins. This is the foundation that will make the rest of the steps much, much easier. Plus, what kind of fake fan drinks so little they actually remember the game the next day?
2. Constantly try to prove that you would be a better coach
Just because you’re sitting 845 rows from the field doesn’t mean you should avoid yelling your play calls down at the coaching staff. Your advice is so much better than what that idiot is calling anyway. “Get a touchdown!” you yell. That’s a good strategy. It’s weird that the coach was going with any other plan because your method seems way more effective. When they do something wrong, yell at the coaches. When they do something right, take all the credit. It’s the only sensible thing a true fan would do.
3. Yell things at strangers minding their own business
Can you believe a Mets fan decided to come to the bar and watch them play when you’re CLEARLY a Braves fan? The nerve of them! It’s even more pretentious that they decided to wear a jersey of their favorite player and quietly applaud good plays by their team. You can’t allow this. The only sensible thing to do is loudly question their sexuality and suggest different, elaborate ways for them to have sex with themselves. Remember, you can be as loud as you want for your team and you’re just having a good time, but if they say anything it’s a sign on confrontation and they are personally disrespecting you.
4. Fight somebody
You have a career, a family, and social responsibilities, but all of that doesn’t matter right now because you’ve had 26 Jack and Cokes and someone just asked you to quiet down a little. Who the hell do they think they are? So what if you’re yelling out obscenities at full volume in the middle of a TGI Fridays on a Saturday afternoon? Those parents should’ve known that you’d be betting on Florida State to cover the spread and therefore would be yelling the f word more than Pulp Fiction. If that pencil neck geek wants you to calm down, you let him know that things can easily be settled in the parking lot. And if the cops show up, you’ll fight them too. You’re a free bird and this bird you cannot cage.
5. Always make sure your favorite team is whichever team is popular
Geographical location, family heritage, or favorite player may be a good reason for some to have a favorite team, but not you. Your favorite team is whoever has the best chance of winning a championship or whoever most recently won the title. You own several Yankee caps with a couple of LeBron, D. Wade, or Bosh Miami Heat jerseys. Most laundry days are tough because you have to choose between your Seattle Seahawks jersey or your New England Patriots championship t-shirt. The only thing you know is that they win and therefore they are your favorites. You can never be disappointed if your favorite is always the winning team, right?
6. Remind anyone that doesn’t like you’re team that they’re just jealous haters
The NFL decided Tom Brady and the Patriots cheated to win games. If someone is upset by this, it’s not because they don’t like people using unfair advantages to win, no no no. It’s because they are stupid, jealous haters who are just upset that their team doesn’t have four championship rings. The Patriots record another team’s practice to help them win? Well if you have a problem with that then I suggest you stop sipping on that Haterade. Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of murder? Wow, could you thirsty haters find anything else to complain about? Sorry you aren’t the best and get to play in one of the easiest divisions in the NFL.
7. If you don’t have a team, don’t let that stop you from cheering against someone else’s favorite team
Sometimes you end up watching a game with a group of friends and you have no dog in the fight. But the people you’re with care deeply about who is beating who. In that situation the most important thing to do is become a diehard fan of whoever your friend’s team is playing. If you’re surrounded by Falcons fans and they’re playing St. Louis, it doesn’t matter if the last time you watched a Rams game Marshall Faulk was getting carries; you stand up and scream in their faces every time they gain a yard while audibly praying for Matt Ryan to blow out his ACL. That’s what a true fan would do.
8. Be Drake
This one might be a little specific, but if anyone knows the art of being an obnoxious fan it’s Mr. Started From The Bottom, Now I’m Best Friends With Whoever Is Winning. Thanks for setting the standard, Aubrey.