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The 50 Absolute Worst Things to Hear on Thanksgiving

Photo courtesy of [Mike Licht / Flickr](https://www.flickr.com/photos/notionscapital/3062587135/)

Photo courtesy of Mike Licht / Flickr

The mere idea of Thanksgiving sounds like a sick social experiment, as if some scientist said, “Let’s lock a variety of distant family members inside a house all day, get them fat and drunk, and see how it all plays out.” However, Thanksgiving isn’t merely a twisted research study meant to push people to their limits… it’s a time-honored American tradition. With the big feast fast approaching, here are some things you’d probably rather not hear someone say on Turkey Day. And if it helps, not even the first Thanksgiving was a peaceful affair… just ask the Native Americans.


1. “Instead of pie for dessert, I thought we could just have kale.”

2. “I wasn’t sure about cooking times, but I’ve never heard any news stories about raw poultry hurting anyone.”

3. “Before we eat, please lead us in prayer to thank L. Ron Hubbard for this delicious meal.”

4. “Pass the sweet potatoes and I’m also going to need to borrow 5,000 dollars.”

5. “I don’t eat meat so I brought this carbohydrate-based Turkey substance.”

6. “I’m most thankful to the Lord up above for granting Justin Bieber a spectacular comeback.”

7. “Before we make this toast, let’s take turns and point out the things we’d like to change about each other.”

8. “Spending Thanksgiving with family reminds us how well the Indians and white people used to get along.”

9. “In the spirit of Bernie Sanders, I’d like those at the table with the most amount food on their plate to give it the people with the least amount. Thank you.”

10. “First one who finds the lucky penny in the stuffing wins!”

11. “I don’t wanna say Mom’s drunk, but she’s passed out on the kitchen floor in a pool of white wine.”

12. “As a dinner activity, I thought it’d be fun to act out the script for the new Steve Jobs movie. Dibs on Wozniak!”

13. “We need some background music for dinner. Pump up the dubstep!”

14. “Dinner’s cancelled this year. Let’s go Christmas shoppin’.”

15. “Instead of watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, do you mind if we tune into the Dollar Store Turkey Day Jamboree instead?”

16. “Before we eat, let’s go around the table and share our first sexual experiences.”

17. “What do you want to drink? I have Fanta, Diet Fanta, Lime Fanta, and Fanta Clear.”

18. “This year’s turkey came from that farm by the nuclear power plant.”

19. “Instead of traditional white napkins, this year each one is embroidered with an email from Hilary Clinton.”

20. “I can see college is treating you well. Looks like you’ve been eating healthy.”

21. “It’s my house and I can use the C-word if I damn well please!”

22. “Who knew you can buy all the food you need for Thanksgiving at 7/11?!”

23. “Your brother has a surgery coming up with Dr. Ben Carson!”

24. “Everyone make their plates but don’t eat until I Instagram them!”

25. “Dinner looks great but my diet is comprised of only eat energy bars. This one is mashed potato-flavored!”

26. “I wonder what the Kardashians are doing right now…”

27. “Dear God, please make my dreams come true of getting more than five thousand followers on Twitter. Amen.”

28. “I was going to get a bigger turkey, but… Obama.”

29. “Either this is the best Thanksgiving dinner I ever tasted or I’m just really, really, really stoned.”

30. “It’s so great visiting family in such a different part of the country. What’s the age of consent here again?”

31. “Do you guys mind if we watch this live feed of Shia LeBeouf watching a video of himself eat dinner?”

32. “This is my wife, Jo Ann, and my new mistress, Deanndra.”

33. “Sorry if I seem a little shaken up. A Syrian said ‘hello’ to me at the supermarket today.”

34. “This dinner table looks a tad too white. Can we incorporate some ethnically diverse family members next year?”

35. “Grandma’s teeth fell in the mashed potatoes again…”

36. “Just to be on the safe side my lawyer advised me to have everyone to sign this contract abstaining me of responsibility in case anyone contracts a food borne illness.”

37. “If Aunt Maria seems depressed this year it’s only because she just listened to the new Adele album.”

38. “I think the turkey’s still breathing.”

39. “I’m so stuffed I’m never moving from the couch. Honey, get my catheter.”

40. “Instead of dinner, let’s all try to digest this report on Benghazi already.”

41. “I haven’t been this excited for a holiday since Arbor Day ‘98.”

42. “Kanye West is going to say grace this year.”

43. “Don’t you dare wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. I won’t be truly happy until Zayn rejoins One Direction.”

44. “Does anyone know if wishbones are edible?”

45. “What time’s Santa coming?”

46. “It’s not a holiday until I get them red wine spins!”

47. “If this turkey was on Tinder I’d totally swipe right.”

48. “My boyfriend is going to Skype in during dinner. Can you believe they have high speed internet in maximum security prisons?”

49. “In honor of the world’s injustices, this year’s stuffing was made with the tears of the innocent.”

50. “This year’s cocktails include the Gravy-tini, Grav-arita, and Gravy & Coke.”

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