The Room has (rightfully) gained one hell of a cult following. Often dubbed “the worst movie ever made,” the 2003 pet project of oddball Tommy Wiseau is a mish-mash of continuity errors, rambling dialogue, terrible acting, and general weirdness. Its celebrated awfulness has spawned everything from a play to a video game. So naturally someone decided to write to Amy Dickinson of Ask Amy as Tommy Wiseau’s hypnotically strange main character, Johnny.

Dear Amy: I have a serious problem with my future wife. She has not been faithful to me.

I recently overheard her talking to her friend about how she was unfaithful to me. When I confronted her, all that she said was that she couldn’t talk right now. I feel like I have to record everything in my own house just to learn the truth.

To make things even more stressful is the fact that she recently told a couple of people that I hit her, but it’s not true. I did not hit her. I’m not sure why she has been acting like this lately. She did just find out that her mother has breast cancer, and that might be playing a role in her behavior.

We still always find time to make love, so I don’t know why she would go out seeking it from someone else. I just can’t believe she would do this to me. I love her so much, she is my everything, and I don’t know that I could go on without her. She is tearing me apart.

What should I do? — Devastated

Dickinson doesn’t seem to be a fan of The Room, as her response jumped right into the seriousness of all the wild, starting with, “The first thing you should do is to NOT get married.” That makes sense, since she’s tearing him apart!