You know how you sing along to “Jessie’s Girl” every time it comes on the radio? Have you ever REALLY listened to the words? Behind that catchy beat and cool hook is one of the most petty, creepy, and bizarre songs ever to climb the pop charts. Let’s take an in-depth look at the lyrics of this creepy manifesto disguised as a song and figure out what happened.

Jessie is a friend, Yeah I know he’s been a good friend of mine

Right off the bat, Rick isn’t helping his case of coming off like a good guy. He tells us that Jessie is a friend. Ok no big deal. Maybe they’re not that close. I have friends that I haven’t talked to in years. I’m trying to sympathize with him, but he immediately digs the hole deeper and says that Jessie has been such a good friend to him. That means Jessie picked him up from the airport. He probably took off work to pick him up at the airport. He’s helped Rick move. He’s done all the things a good friend does. Notice, however, that he doesn’t say he’s been a good friend to Jessie. He calls Jessie a friend then says that he’s been a good friend of mine. Are you feeling a little guilty already, Rick? Your awful behavior is just beginning, pal.

But lately something’s changed

Oh did one of you guys relocate to a new city and it caused a bit of a strain on this good friendship you were just speaking about? That can be an issue. Let’s see what the problem is and if there’s a solution.

It ain’t hard to define

Got it. Apparently it’s a serious issue because you were able to define it right away. Well this sounds serious, so please, share it with us.

Jessie’s got himself a girl

Oh is he in a bad relationship? I think we’ve all been in a situation where someone we care about is with someone toxic and we don’t know how to approach them. Is that what’s going on, Rick? If so, that’s a really admirable thing to do. It’s a good thing you guys are such good friends because he’ll probably listen to you.

And I want to make her mine

You son of a… So let me get this straight; you just spent the first few sentences telling us what a great friend Jessie is to you and how this problem has come about so we get emotionally invested, only to tell us that the issue is you want to steal his girlfriend? Why are you singing about this? If anything, you need to just get over it and be a good friend. If they break up, that’s one thing but clearly you’re being an awful friend right now.

And she’s watching him with those eyes

I’m not sure what else she would be watching him with, to be quite honest. If you said she was watching him with eyeballs growing out of her hands like the monster on Pan’s Labyrinth then I could see some point in mentioning that, but simply stating that she has functioning eyes seems a bit unnecessary.

And she’s lovin’ him with that body, I just know it!

Now you’ve just graduated to full-on creeper. You sound like a guy lying in your bed at night, throwing a tennis ball against the wall and making up arguments in your head, then getting mad at the person you fictitiously argued with. Why are you so concerned if she’s “lovin’ him with that body?” They’re in a monogamous relationship and you’re the creepy friend that insists on staying in the living room when they’re watching a movie for date night because you, “don’t really remember the ending to Kill Bill Volume 2.” You own that movie! Also, IT’S CALLED KILL BILL! What do you THINK is going to happen at the end?

And he’s holding her in his arms late, late at night

Ok how do you know this? You made sure to mention the word late TWICE, which means we’re not talking about 11:00pm or midnight. It sounds like you’re sneaking into his room late at night and watching them. At this point this is closer to the plot of The Strangers than it is a love song.

You know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl

I would probably be a little more likely to believe you had actual feelings for her if YOU KNEW HER NAME. That’s a slap in the face to both Jessie and his unnamed lover. If you had said “I wish that I had SHAR-on” then maybe Jessie wouldn’t realize you were singing about HIS Sharon. Oh no, that’s not how Ricky S operates. You’re going to flaunt that right in his face. Make no mistakes about it, Jessie; I am singing about your girl and I am coming after her like Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton chasing the F5 on Twister.

I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
Where can I find her, a woman like that?

I would say a good way to find a woman like that is to leave your apartment and stop staring at your “good friend” while he’s on a date, you lunatic. Get a Tinder account. Go to a bar. Do literally anything other than what you’re doing right now and you’d have a better chance of finding a girlfriend.

I’ll play along with this charade

Wait, what charade are you talking about? Their relationship? Ok now I feel like you’ve crossed over into a delusional world where you think she wants you. You’re like Quentin Tarantino on From Dusk Till Dawn.

Honestly, I’m worried about everyone’s safety at this point. You’re a ticking time bomb of horniness.

That doesn’t seem to be a reason to change

I don’t even know what that means, Rick. You seem like you’re on the verge of heating up a paper clip and carving her name into your arm. Oh wait, that’s right; you don’t even know it!

You know I feel so dirty when they start talking cute

If this means you’re touching yourself I will straight up call the police right now. Why are you around them so much, anyway? It seems like this is more than just a few run-ins at your apartment. Are you hiding in the shrubs while they’re on dates? If I look through your dresser am I going to find camouflage? Am I, Rick? AM I?

I wanna tell her that I love but the point is probably moot

You just needed a word to rhyme with ‘cute’ didn’t you.

'Cause she’s watching him with those eyes

Again with the eyes. This just sounds like you’re staring at her while she’s staring at Jessie. Take the hint, bub.

And she’s lovin’ him with that body, I just know it!

Yes we went over this. They are having intimate physical intercourse. Or at least mouth love. Grow up.

And he’s holding her in his arms late, late at night

Don’t you have any other friends you could hang out with until you get your life straightened out? Surely people at work are starting to notice a change in your behavior and work ethics.

And I’m lookin’ in the mirror all the time

If I’m being honest, at this point I don’t know if you’re talking about a mirror in your room or if you’ve put a one-sided mirror in Jessie’s room so you can watch them at night like some sort of deranged police investigator. But you’re not investigating crimes; you’re investigating the loins of your good friend and his partner. Turn in your badge, Captain Creepshow. You’re off the case.

Wonderin’ what she don’t see in me

So you’ve been spending a large amount of time staring at yourself in the mirror trying to figure out why this girl likes your friend more than you? I can answer that one for you. Probably because he doesn’t spend a large amount of time staring at himself in the mirror trying to figure out why his friend’s girlfriend doesn’t want to hook up with him. Or you’re like super ugly.

I’ve been funny; I’ve been cool with the lines

Wait right there, Rick. I’m sorry but I have a hard time believing that you’ve been either funny or “cool with the lines.” The fact that you think pickup lines are cool should tell you why you’re stalkerishly single anyway. And funny? Come on now, Rick. Here’s a good joke; what has two thumbs and just spent the last hour staring in the mirror probably naked wondering if a girl doesn’t like him because of his weird naval?

Ain’t that the way love’s supposed to be?

WHAT? NO! You are a complete monster. You just said love is being funny and mumbling some cool lines to a girl that is dating your friend. This is a psychiatrist’s dream come true. How was the relationship with your mom and dad, Rick? Did they fight a lot? Did your dad not know your mom’s name either?

Tell me why can’t I find a woman like that?

Just read over the last few lines you’ve written and you’ll realize you already answered your own question.

You know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
Where can I find her, a woman like that?

You know Jessie is going to hear this song, right? There’s no way either of them will ever let you come near them again. If they get married you won’t get an invitation, but even if they break up you’ll always be known as the creepy dude that wouldn’t stop writing songs about how she slept every night. Forget about Jessie, all of your friends are going to hear this and become incredibly uncomfortable. Brad and Stephanie have been having marital problems. You really think they want Rick “I’ve Been Watching Your Wife” Springfield coming over and attempting to wreck their marriage? They have two kids, Rick!

Like Jessie’s girl

Oh so now you change it to a girl LIKE Jessie’s girl. See if you had just said that in the beginning then we could have avoided all this confusion. That’s not bad. She might have a sister or a best friend. Maybe this isn’t such a creepy song after all.

I wish that I had Jessie’s girl

Okay now we’re back on the road to Stalkerstown. Did you misspeak? Because if you want a girl like Jessie’s then you’re in the clear, but if you’re singing about that exact girl then it’s back to being terrible.

I want, I want Jessie’s girl

Thanks for clearing that up and confirming 100% that you are a sociopath. Get out of my house and delete my number from your phone. Honey, let’s go down to the station and get a restraining order before this guy spends another hour flexing in the mirror looking for problematic areas on his triceps.

Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.