Amazon is now offering a new section of its website called “Home Services,” where customers can hire people off the Internet to do odd jobs around their house. It’s basically Craigslist with about 75 percent less people asking for blowjobs. Perhaps the strangest service now offered by is called, “Hire a Goat Grazer.” Amazon users can enter in their zip code and what type of vegetation they need the goats to eat, and it’ll let you know if there’s an animal available nearby.
Above is a screenshot taken from the Goat Grazing link. Apparently there are none available in the Beverly Hills area, which is good because most grass in California is dry from the drought and would probably be the goat equivalent of eating a raw turnip.
If you’re wondering what’s included in the service, here’s what Amazon says:
Once a pro has met with you to determine if unleashing some friendly goats on your property will help you get rid of any unwanted vegetation, you’ll receive a recommendation for how many goats will be loaned to you, how long those goats will keep you company, and how often a pro will come check on them to make sure they’re not attempting any fancy tricks to break free from the temporary fencing that will be placed around them. As they graze, they will likely leave behind some droppings, too, and you’ll get to keep this fertilizer as a friendly parting gift!
Also, don’t worry about if you have some weird plant-like abomination growing in your yard. The goats will take care of it. Amazon says, “Goats can eat tons of stuff! They’re curious little creatures that like to at least taste almost anything resembling a plant.” They’re basically the stoners of the animal kingdom.
So if you’re tired mowing your own lawn and pulling your own weeds, it might be time to hire a goat to take care of all your gardening needs. We’re just not looking forward to the eventual debates in the presidential election over whether goats should have to be taxed on their earnings even though they’re not citizens.
Joseph Misulonas is an editorial assistant for Playboy.com. He can be found on Twitter at @jmisulonas.