Nobody reads the fine print. Nobody. Even the guiltiest of perpetrators don’t take the time to do it, which is how some Russian dude ended up writing his own credit card contract with the bank failing to notice. It’s because everyone knows the fine print means a gross mess of boring legal jargon—or it does most of the time anyway. Amazon recently took fine print in a whole new direction by including verbiage that voids the restriction of using their product with life-critical or safety-critical systems in case of a zombie apocalypse.
That’s right. When Amazon Web Services recently released Lumberyard, its free, open-source 3D game development engine, the company made sure to sneak in a zombie apocalypse clause in its service terms.
57.10 Acceptable Use; Safety-Critical Systems. Your use of the Lumberyard Materials must comply with the AWS Acceptable Use Policy. The Lumberyard Materials are not intended for use with life-critical or safety-critical systems, such as use in operation of medical equipment, automated transportation systems, autonomous vehicles, aircraft or air traffic control, nuclear facilities, manned spacecraft, or military use in connection with live combat. However, this restriction will not apply in the event of the occurrence (certified by the United States Centers for Disease Control or successor body) of a widespread viral infection transmitted via bites or contact with bodily fluids that causes human corpses to reanimate and seek to consume living human flesh, blood, brain or nerve tissue and is likely to result in the fall of organized civilization.
This little addition may reveal a lot more than we think in retrospect. What if we’ve been missing the wild warnings all these years because we hate the fine print so damn much?
Maybe the fine print of hoverboards actually does warn the user that it’s not at all a hoverboard and that he or she will 100% look like a total asshole who passerbyers will vehemently despise and potentially harass! Maybe the Apple iTunes fine print included a head’s up about U2’s breaking-and-entering charge with Songs of Innocence! Maybe the Delta Air Lines fine print explains how their flight attendants are legally required by international law to be the rudest blowhards to ever slump-board a plane like sleep-deprived cro-mags who ultimately go obnoxiously mad with power for the depressingly pathetic reason of being in charge of snack and soda distribution, all the while visibly missing their carefree youth that they only now realize they totally squandered for a lonely life of indefinite decline! Right? I mean…I’m just spitballing here.