Of the many times in this election when I’d want to be a fly on the wall, none of them seems more fascinating than President Obama and Trump’s White House meeting earlier today. Neither one has kept his disdain for the other a secret, so it’s interesting to see exactly how much tension is in that room. Luckily, we got our hands on a transcript from the event that is very, very real and not at all fake.
OBAMA: Hello Mr. Trump. Thank you for joining me today.
OBAMA: Well…I want to congratulate you on your victory.
TRUMP: I’d like to walk out and then come back in again. Can we do that? I’d like a different entrance.
OBAMA: You mean into this room? You want to walk outside then walk back in?
OBAMA: Uh OK. Seems unnecessary, but if you prefer.
(TRUMP WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM)
OBAMA: Is this guy for real?
(TRUMP RE-ENTERS, PRECEDED BY RUDY GIULIANI. DEGENERATION X’S WWE THEME MUSIC STARTS PLAYING THROUGH GIULIANI‘S PHONE)
TRUMP: (AT THE SAME TIME AS THE SONG) Break it down!
(TRUMP STARTS DOING CROTCH CHOPS SO VIOLENTLY HIS HAND STARTS TO BLEED. RUDY TRIES TO DO THEM AS WELL, BUT SOMEHOW KEEPS MISSING)
OBAMA: Well I’m not staying here for this nonsense.
TRUMP: I’m just jerking your chain. Turn off those tunes Rude Rudy.
(RUDY TURNS OFF THE MUSIC)
TRUMP: I started calling him Rude Rudy now. It’s like his new gimmick. Pretty cool, huh?
OBAMA: Yeah that’s…that’s really something.
TRUMP: Do you mind if I look around the White House a little bit?
OBAMA: Well actually yes. I think you should probably wait a little bit before you start taking tours.
TRUMP: I just want to make sure there’s enough room for my remodeling.
OBAMA: What remodeling are you referring to?
TRUMP: I just have a few changes I’m going to make. I want my staff eating well so I’m going to put a TGI Fridays in the West Wing. Maybe fill a room with Jell-O and let babes wrestle in it, but when they least suspect it, we’ll release a wild puma into the room and just see what happens.
GIULIANI: Oh hell yeah!
OBAMA: Well first of all, he’s not supposed to be here at all. Security, can you escort Mr. Giuliani to the lobby? Give him something to color, or shine a flashlight into his eyes?
GIULIANI: Nine Eleven!
(SILENCE AS SECURITY ESCORTS RUDY OUT OF THE ROOM.)
TRUMP: Anyway, the best part is that I can do all of this remodeling without making the taxpayers cover it. You know why? Because I’m a genius businessman. Check this out.
(TRUMP SLAPS A PRINTED-OUT GROUPON ONTO THE TABLE. IT’S GOOD FOR $5,000 IN HOME REPAIRS FOR ONLY $500. OBAMA PICKS IT UP AND LOOKS AT IT)
OBAMA: Well this certainly was a good deal.
TRUMP: I know. I used to host The Apprentice.
OBAMA: Unfortunately, according to this fine print at the bottom, it expired December 2015.
(TRUMP SNATCHES THE PAPER OUT OF OBAMA’S HAND)
TRUMP: (MUMBLES) Stupid Putin. Why do I keep trusting him?
OBAMA: What was that?
TRUMP: Oh nothing. Hey so where do you keep your birth certificate anyway?
OBAMA: It’s right here actually.
(OBAMA POINTS TO HIS FRAMED BIRTH CERTIFICATE ON THE WALL)
OBAMA: Where do you keep your tax returns?
(TRUMP MAKES A PHONE RING SOUND WITH HIS MOUTH AND LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CELL)
TRUMP: Oh gracious, it seems as though my wife Merkeena needs me. I should probably head out.
OBAMA: Do you mean Melania?
TRUMP: Yeah that’s it. Belcheena.
OBAMA: Melania. Seriously, how did you forget it that fast?
OBAMA: Are you just yelling out buzzwords at this point?
TRUMP: I’m gonna build a wall!
OBAMA: And how do you plan on doing that?
(TRUMP PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND SEARCHES “WALL BUILDERS” ON GROUPON)
OBAMA: OK. Well, I need to get back to work.
TRUMP: Yeah I need to go as well. Rude Rudy just texted me that he got his head stuck in the bannister of the stairs again.
OBAMA: Sounds about right.
TRUMP: You don’t happen to have any butter do you? We normally just grease his head and it pops right out.
GIULIANI: (FROM THE OTHER ROOM) No more butter!
(MIKE PENCE POPS HIS HEAD INTO THE ROOM)
PENCE: We could just electrocute him until his head’s not stuck anymore?
TRUMP: I think I’ve got butter in my other coat pocket. I’ll go check. Later Obummer!
OBAMA: God help us.