Going out to eat these days can be a pain but because of my status as a well-known foodie (I have a blog and everything), people ask me for dining advice constantly. So I decided to take time out of my very busy schedule to give you a few tips to make sure your next meal is a 4-star experience.


When choosing a place to eat, check yelp or other sites that are similar. Only choose one with a good rating and lots of emojis in the customer reviews. The best way to find a good place is to listen to people who have watched The Food Network around three times and have smartphones.


Don’t make a reservation. Arrive at the restaurant as a walk in. Preferably towards the end a busy night. When asked if you have a reservation, respond “No. But I come here a lot. I know the owners” and wink. People love this. The host will be so taken with you that they will ask everyone in the restaurant to leave so you can have a seat of your choosing.


Now within moments of being seated, raise your hand, shout loudly or start a small wildfire to get attention. When the server comes over start with, “I normally don’t complain, but can you turn down the AC and the music and also fetch me a water and get a haircut before you return.” This establishes your dominance in the customer-waiter relationship.


When choosing a drink, ask your server/servant for info on every single ingredient. If it’s a wine, ask when, where, what kind, the name of the distributor, and what direction the hill the grapes were grown on was facing. Then get a taste of every drink before finally settling on an ice water. By now you’re drunk for free.


Now when it comes to the food, order whatever you want. You’re drunk now. You could chew on a rag from the dish pit and it’d taste like Foie Gras. The key (VERY IMPORTANT) is to order each item individually. Ask your server for one item (like mozzarella sticks, for instance.) They will walk away and start to enter your order. As they are doing that, call them over and order another item. Repeat this step. Make them work for it. That’s why they get paid that high salary.


Now your food is arriving. You’ve ordered so much food that they’ve had to combine 5 or 6 tables to accommodate the incoming plates and bowls. Now dig in. Eat about 90% of what you ordered and then blow an air horn to get Braden’s attention. Report to them that everything was inedible but you tried to eat it all just to be kind to the chef. Demand that it all be taken off of the bill.


By now the restaurant has been closed for 3 hours. Take your time. It’s YOUR dining experience. Call Braden over and ask for your check. Demand that they shave the beard that they’ve grown since you arrived before they bring it to you. When you’re now-emaciated (but clean shaven) server returns with the now entirely comped check, reprimand them one more time for failing to do anything right before leaving them no tip.


On your way out be sure to grab a handful of mints, a pocketful of toothpicks, an oven from the kitchen and a busser to drive you home. After what you’ve experienced, you deserve whatever you desire. And remember, the customer is always right.

Kyle is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter: @kyle_lippert.