Anyone who has worked in the service industry knows that the customers are the worst part of the job, sometimes even to the extent that you become jealous of the dishwashers. Below are some tales from severs tales from servers about showing up at the right place at the wrong time.

1. Ladies Night

Go to check up on a table of middle aged women on their “lady’s night out” only to find them huddled around a cellphone watching a porn of some dude absolutely destroying some chick’s b-hole.

2. Double Date

As I approached the table, a lady brushed me out of the way and sat down next to the couple there. The couple was obviously on a date. The lady turns to the woman on the date and said, “So, I’m his wife. Who the fuck are you?”

3. Thank God

I came to the table while they were praying before their meal about their dying relative. It was so awkward, I joined in. “Hey guys, here’s that tartar and cocktail y’all…..LORD PLEASE HELP JENNIFER OVERCOME CANCER.”

4. Private Party

I used to do weekend gigs catering private parties. We were at a very, very rich guy’s house serving drinks and small bites. Someone somewhere grabs me by the arm and says, “Mr. X [the host] needs something. He’s in there,” and they point at a room down the hall with closed doors.

So I walk down, knock, no answer. It’s loud outside with music playing and tons of drunk people talking. I knock again. No answer. So I open the doors. There’s Mr. X with 3 women in varying degrees of nudeness and fellatio. Coke abounds. Mr. X just looks up at me and goes “Hey toots, can you get me another vodka Redbull?”

Mr. X gave me a $100 tip but made me let him slip it in my skirt’s waistband. Later that night while counting my tips, I also found his phone # jotted on it.

5. The Proposal

Guy and girlfriend come into our restaurant for dinner. Guy then secretly tells me he has a ring and wants to propose to her and wants it to be all special. I was to wait until a specific time and come and ask if the table “needed anything else” and them he would say “I do. I need her.” And then get down on his knee, etc. etc. I thought it was cheesy, but hey I wanted to help the guy out and be a part of something like that, so I said I’d do it. I get to the table and ask the question, he then pops THE question and she burst into tears. But not good happy tears. She then blurts out that she wants to break up and that she was in love another guy, apparently a friend of his. I just slowly backed away from the table as his entire world came crashing down on him.

6. Check Please!

I was taking the breakfast order from a couple staying at the hotel, The lady ordered a full English breakfast and I asked how she would like her eggs, her reply, “Fertilized.” She then scowled at her husband, I backed away and ordered her fried eggs.

7. The Call

I served a couple, as soon as they were seated the guy got a phone call, and proceeded to take the call - it lasted the entire meal. His wife/girlfriend was furious by the time I brought out the dessert, which was when he finally hung up the phone and she said, “Fuck you and fuck your mum, we can’t even have one night out!”

8. Assault with a Deadly Weapon

I walk up to my table: a mom, dad, and son (8yrs old probably). The mom is going nuts. I guess another waiter was walking by with a pepper mill and it fell out of his hand and hit her on the head. Not hard, but it’s not a small thing. Well she’s going crazy, I’m trying to figure out what’s going on, and the table next to them is laughing at her freaking out. She keeps yelling, “He hit me! I want to call the cops! He hit me!”

The waiter is apologizing a shit load, but she’s not having it. She yells, “THATS ASSAULT!” and the table next to her that’s laughing yells “No miss, that’s A PEPPER!” I lose it! Have to run to the back.

I finally get my shit together and come back and the little kid is in hysterics now. The dad has had enough of his wife’s shit and is threatening to leave if she doesn’t calm down. Starts telling his wife “Do you want me to leave again? Do you want me to go?” the kid starts bawling and yelling “No daddy, please don’t leave again. Mommy act normal! Please stay daddy!‘” The lady finally drops the psychotics and finishes her food. We comp everything and they don’t leave me shit. I really don’t blame them cause after the incident I was a ghost. I avoided them like the plague. Poor kid.