A recent video ad for Bar Refaeli’s line of bikinis has been banned in her native Israel for being too scandalous, and I for one won’t stand for it! I don’t want Bar Refaeli sad for any reason! She’s owed backrubs from The Rock and tacos fed to her during bubble baths. She deserves sunshine in her bones, though, sure, I’m no doctor and can’t really comment on any adverse effects, so…actually, scratch that nonsense, how do you fit puppies in envelopes?
You see, Bar Refaeli has awarded our eyes with years and years of glory and I still can’t get enough. How do we score more Bar Refaelis on Earth? Do I just make a cashier’s check out to whatever god(s) claim responsibility for her? She’s the fiercest beauty to strike our world since lightning and now an entire country is refusing to see her romp around on the beach and a boat, where all she’s really doing is reminding you to live, damnit, liiiiive! I just don’t get it, Israel.
So, look, when I die, just show me more of Bar Refaeli splashing around. Don’t bother showing me how I lived, dearest deities. I know how I did and it wasn’t great. I got, like, a C- in this life and at least half of it was spent complaining about the price of pistachios. I went whitewater rafting once and never actually read David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest, despite whatever I told the lone babe not throwing blows that one Fourth of July at Sharkeez. Ah well, I suppose I’ll die as I lived, wanting more Bar Refaeli.