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We Asked Comedian Eddie Pepitone to Rewrite Bernie Sanders’ Stump Speech

We Asked Comedian Eddie Pepitone to Rewrite Bernie Sanders’ Stump Speech: © Rick D'Elia/Corbis

© Rick D'Elia/Corbis

Editor’s Note: Eddie did not hold back.

OK, thank you. Tonight I am going to speak plainly, because I don’t think some of you are getting it. We are getting fucked hard in a prison laundry room by a handful of billionaires. My ass hurts, how bout you? That’s a chant I’d like to hear at one of my rallies. “My ass hurts/How bout you?” Say it with me. “My ass hurts/How bout you?”

America has basically become a snuff film. We come home to our little hovels in neighborhoods where ISIS would be afraid to go. Did you ever see the movie Soylent Green with Charlton Heston? Well, that’s now what’s going on in this country. The working folk are being used to make hamburger patties in our McDonald’s and Burger Kings. The middle class is used to make KFC meals. Instead of jobs in this country, low-income people are put in prisons where they learn skills like, “How to stick a shiv into someone’s eye while they are dying” and “How to make your bowel movements into a controlled substance.”

Instead of a viable middle class, we have a frightened, psychotic, drug-addicted, porn- and sports-addicted population, and not just in Boston.

We are witnessing the death of the middle class followed by the burial alive of the working class. You know what class the billionaires are in? The fuck-you-I’m-not-going-to-school class.

These billionaires are taking you, the working people, and drugging you, throwing you in the trunk of a car and killing you in Jersey. They are ball-gagging you, stripping you down and and pouring gasoline in your sphincter. Billionaires are strip-mining your consciousness until you are reduced to a blithering idiot walking around a 7-Eleven late at night repeating catch phrases from the new piece of shit Fuller House. Can you believe how stupid the elites are? They think you want to watch a sequel to Full Fucking House. It wasn’t funny 30 years ago. It’s going to be funny now?

Rather than contemplate our rapidly-disappearing democracy, we watch sports and root for athletes owned by billionaires – fucking billionaires – the top tenth of one percent, and they can seriously suck the underside of my big hairy balls.

Most of you only watch all this bread and circus nonsense like TMZ and late night talk shows interviewing another vapid celebrity because you don’t have the energy to have actual lives. You are drooling degenerate slobs because you are working three jobs just to make ends not meet. You come home so tired you don’t even have the strength to slap the monkey, roll over in your filth and dream about being chased by a naked clown with scissors.

It’s the top one tenth of one percent that I want to tie down inside the Southern California gas leak basin.

I used to be like you, the ignorant bat-shit crazy herd – The Great Unwashed. You The Great Beast is who I represent. I like representing you until I meet you. I kid.

You downtrodden masses, I love. It’s the top one tenth of one percent that I want to tie down inside the Southern California gas leak basin. Let them breathe in so much methane that they vomit in their mansions in Rio, have diarrhea on their yachts in Bali and collapse in bakeries in Cannes. There is more methane leaking into the air in Southern California than leaks out of Trump’s and Hillary’s asses combined! I kid the two of those corporate whores. Doesn’t Trump look like something you fisted on a three-day coke binge after getting fired.

Look, I’m wishy-washy on guns because I think you’re going to need them. The billionaire pricks from the underside of hell want you dead. They don’t want you to have healthcare or Social Security or a place to sleep. They basically want you to work on their fucking plantation for a few years then have you die when you are no longer useful. Guns are a good thing for you to have.

I’m not saying you should use them on the billionaires who want you buried in a mass grave with your young. I’m not saying you should find out where they live and wait for them outside their mansions. I’m not saying eye-for-an-eye. I’m saying you might want to blow your own brains out in a motel off a major highway while country music plays. I mean, this is not a bad exit plan if I don’t get elected. I’m your last chance. Your very last chance before you make that choice. When you don’t have decent jobs paying a decent wage with affordable healthcare and a quality environment then why live? I carry a gun. I will use it. You should, too, if I don’t get elected.

In closing, we are fucked beyond belief. America has become a land of savagery. School shootings, 2.2 million in prisons, everyone living in fantasy by watching Netflix and Twitter and playing video games. People can’t take reality anymore, and who can blame them? I myself spend hours on FarmVille in between campaign stops. We are divorced from land and nature and God and fragmented into isolated enclaves that hate each other. So good fucking luck is what I’m saying. We are at the end. So, what the hell, why not vote for me?

Goodnight.


Eddie Pepitone, “The Bitter Buddha,” is a stand-up comedian and actor. Twitter: @eddiepepitone.

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