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The 12 Best Excuses to Use When You’re Not on Your Sex Game

The 12 Best Excuses to Use When You’re Not on Your Sex Game: Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

As a guy, let me just say that, at times, sex can be incredibly stressful. Sure there are guys that can just jump in there at any time and place and have at it without a second thought, but that is certainly not true for everyone. Sometimes you’re just not on your game. Now obviously you can’t usually just say, “Hey sorry, I’m just not on my game today” so to help you out, here are some excuses to bail you out.


1. “I really need to pee.”
Now don’t get me wrong, this legitimately happens a lot. You’ve got a one-lane road down there and when both highways try to merge onto it, the pee group is going to win almost every time. However, if you’re just having one of those nights where you know it’s not going to happen, blame it on the pee. After that you can either reset and try it again, or call it a night. Urine is usually a good stopping point for sex, in my opinion.

2. “Did you hear something?”
I am not above blaming my subpar sexual activity on the possibility of a home intruder or a ghost. “Hey sorry I had to cut the sex short. Trust me, it was going to be the best sex humanly possible, but I thought I heard the door opening and was afraid it was a murderer.” Heck, that’s honestly brave of you to go check. You’re not sexually inadequate; you’re a hero! I mean you could say you suspect it’s your roommate, but a ghost sounds much more exciting.

3. “Hold on a sec. It just got super-hot in here.”
Again, this is something that can legitimately happen, but if you’ve been going hard and you know a grand finale is not in the cards, just blame it on your lack of central air. You can’t use this one often because, at a certain point, she’ll just wonder why you’d rather have subpar sex instead of just buying a box fan.

4. “I just want to take care of you tonight.”
I wouldn’t say this is as much of an excuse as it is you being considerate of your partner when it’s not happening on your end. You just have to make sure your little flaccid crotch is out of range while you’re doing it because nothing would make her feel more wanted than to know that going down on her gets you as excited as watching C-SPAN b-roll .

5. “I’m sorry, it’s this medicine I’m on right now.”
I used to have to take Adderall and, let me tell you, that stuff will make you feel like a deflated balloon animal (probably a snake or a worm.) You couldn’t get that thing up with a splint and pulley system. If you can’t find a way to get yourself up to par and she’s starting to notice, blame it on the meds. You’ll give us that legitimately have that reason a bad name, but at least it’ll bail you out in the moment, right?

6. “I love you so much.”
Ok honestly I don’t feel good about this one at all, but if your back is up against the wall and you don’t want to just admit that you’re sort of bad at sex, just stop and tell your partner how much you love them. Then hug and kiss and cuddle until you fall asleep. Don’t say it if it isn’t true and DEFINITELY don’t say it if you’re hooking up with someone new. That’s going to lead to a whole new set of problems and you’re going to look way more insane than by just admitting you’re having an off night.

7. “Wait, what time is it?”
Once again, this is a very legitimate reason to sometimes cut things short, for adults. You both have work in the morning or an early appointment and you can’t go on two hours sleep because you were 69’ing until the sun came up. Make sure you know what day of the week it is, because if it’s Friday night and you have nothing going on the next day, you’re going to look like you were just curious about the time. “Oh it’s 10:14pm? Cool. Thanks for letting me know. And thanks for the sex. Goodnight.”

8. “There’s a hair in my mouth.”
I feel like by writing this, I’m now making every legitimate reason I’ve ever had to pause sex seem like I was using a made up excuse. For the record, that’s not true, anyone I’ve ever said one of these things to. The hair in the mouth reason is very acceptable. If it takes you more than two seconds to get it out of your mouth, then it’s totally reasonable. Just don’t start coughing and dry heaving like you swallowed it because no one wants to see that.

9. Fall off the bed
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Just make a hard roll to your left and tumble off the bed. She’s probably going to respect you a little less and if you do it more than once you’ll look like you’re doing some sort of X-rated Chevy Chase Saturday Night Live bit, but it could be worse; she could find out you’re bad at sex. Make sure you’re the one that falls off and not her. That’s borderline abuse, you monster.

10. “Oh my god I just remembered my phone bill/electricity bill/cable bill/rent check/Dave and Busters Rewards Program sign-up sheet is due today!”
Look, this is really desperate and a worst-case scenario when all other attempts have failed. You honestly might be better off just crying and rolling over.

11. Pretty much anything besides, “Sorry that has NEVER happened before.”
Do you really think anyone wants to hear that literally every other sexual experience of your life has gone perfect, but they caused you to fall apart like season 2 of True Detective? That’s going to do wonders for their self-esteem. Maybe after that you can pull up pictures of all your exes on your phone and describe the best sex you had with each of them.

12. “CRAMP!”
When it happens, it shuts down shop faster than DMX and the Ruff Ryders in 2003. Just don’t use it too often or you’ll just look like a feeble, inflexible idiot that doesn’t drink enough water.

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