With so many amazing tweets posted constantly it can be difficult to find the best of the best. Now, by no means are these the ONLY good tweets of the year, but these are 100 of the absolute funniest ones that were posted in 2015. You should check out all the funny people that posted them because, odds are, there’s plenty more where that one came from.
ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner!— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) January 5, 2015
TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!
Hey tough dudes wearing shorts that come down past your calves. They’re called capris. You are wearing capris— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) May 8, 2015
Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 1, 2015
HOW TO PREPARE FOR THANKSGIVING:— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) November 23, 2015
1. Carve a turkey
2. No, not into a pentagram
3. Where did these candles come from
4. There is so much fire
Got fired from another strip club for tap-dancing— Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) March 24, 2015
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means— chuuch (@ch000ch) August 4, 2015
My life is like a song that I only know a few of the lyrics to, so I sing those parts loudly and mumble the rest.— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) January 27, 2015
They should make prison doors out of cereal bag glue.— Elizabeth Tippet (@eltippy) April 2, 2015
Every story about edible weed:— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) November 1, 2015
1. Not high.
2. Not high.
3. Still not high.
4. Not high.
5. Please drive me to the emergency room.
Me: goodnight kids— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 15, 2015
Kids: goodnight dad
Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad
Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
long-term plan is to let my debt build into the millions and when I die have a golden tombstone that says COME COLLECT IT IN HELL, TAX MAN— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) February 28, 2015
boss: you’re fired— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 12, 2015
mime: oh right
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.— Elle Emmenopee (@ElleOhHell) February 21, 2015
GOD: I call this one the crocodile.— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) May 24, 2015
ANGEL: sir I think you’ve just made alligators again.
GOD: I’ve lost my passion for this job.
woken up yet again by the sound of that massive vehicle picking up the trash my neighbors put out on their curb. I hate living near a school— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) May 4, 2015
Heeyyyyy, it’s me, that guy who ignored your text 2 weeks ago. It’s 2am, what are you doing? How’s work? It’s 2am, thought I’d ask— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) January 22, 2015
Leaving my browser history open as a nonconfrontational way to break up with my boyfriend. pic.twitter.com/vVBir5OPM5— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) July 26, 2015
FACT: if you walk faster than someone you’re better than them— alex furlin (@thefurlinator) July 1, 2015
I’m Adam, this is Eve, and welcome to jackass— Jersey (@SatansTongue) January 20, 2015
*slowly approaches tree*
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 13, 2015
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 2, 2015
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.— ROB FEE (@robfee) April 11, 2015
1. have a child— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) February 10, 2015
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[After losing a rap battle]— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 7, 2015
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
“Oh….er….um…oh dear…actually, I’ve…what was that? No, no, I’m sorry. Yes, of course.” - every British thing ever— Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium) January 3, 2015
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 17, 2015
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.— Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan) January 20, 2015
My life is just like a Disney movie, one time I ate spaghetti in an alley— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) March 6, 2015
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 6, 2015
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 30, 2015
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 30, 2015
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 25, 2015
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) February 19, 2015
“who stopped u”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“So how was your date?”— Terry F (@daemonic3) October 19, 2015
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Dog 911: what’s ur emergency?— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) November 19, 2015
Dog: MY HUMAN WENT TO WORK
Dog 911: so?
Dog: WHAT IF THIS TIME HE DOESN’T COME BACK
Dog 911: OMG
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.— several onions (@Amusitr0n) January 28, 2015
[ordering cake over phone]— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) June 8, 2015
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Babies are cute until you remember that their skulls have multiple layers of teeth. Their heads are basically just a storage area for teeth.— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) March 31, 2015
[emergency room]— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) February 16, 2015
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together"
“Grandpa what was it like before emojis?”— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 29, 2015
Well, we used words called adjectives
“That doesn’t seem very 💯”
No, it was not very 💯 at all
BREAKING: Clown To Boycott Circus pic.twitter.com/wQWcb3kBNw— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 6, 2015
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) August 15, 2015
Cop: Are you drunk?— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) September 29, 2015
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[At a bar]— Tinker Elle (@elle91) October 12, 2015
Guy: Did it hurt?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I handed my dad an egg. pic.twitter.com/8HitnbbbMz— matt (@shadygrenade) June 20, 2015
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) July 24, 2015
[inventing the parrot]— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) February 18, 2015
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My favorite scene in ET is where ET makes the kid smell his weird dick finger— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) May 27, 2015
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) May 13, 2015
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[in hospital]— ibid (@ibid78) March 14, 2015
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”
[Dog Restaurant]— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) April 15, 2015
“Is the Book Report any good?”
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Beds are envelopes that mail you to your nightmares— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) August 19, 2015
Before you try to have sex with me, I think you should know that I never even let the microwave finish.— MerGyver (@HoneyWooWoo) February 13, 2015
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) April 9, 2015
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates— Kim Monte 🍁 (@KimmyMonte) May 6, 2015
gays getting married? whats next, me marrying my dog? my dog with piercing blue eyes & a strong body? is that next? me marrying my sexy dog?— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) June 26, 2015
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie— vineyille (@vineyille) March 23, 2015
[Sees bee on my wife’s arm]— josh (@ruinedpicnic) February 16, 2015
[I roll up a newspaper]
Babe.. stay still..
(using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE’S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
SONIC: hurt me— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) December 19, 2014
SONICS GIRLFRIEND: why?
S: just do it
*Sonic’s GF punches him* *wedding rings explode out of him*
S: will u marry me?
[t-rex getting lucky on first date]— butt sword (@buttsword) June 2, 2015
girl: aren’t you gonna take my bra off?
t-rex: *sweating* let’s just keep kissing
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Steps to survive on a dessert island:— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 4, 2015
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 16, 2015
y'all mad at ariana grande for licking something then not eating it but nobody ever got mad at my last boyfriend— priya (@priya_ebooks) July 11, 2015
yes..i have a girlfriend. she goes to another school pic.twitter.com/pqmBhhp3RN— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) January 5, 2015
“and this lake shall be called Superior”— joegio tavecchio (@gojarbe) May 15, 2015
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”— ceeks (@70Ceeks) May 3, 2015
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[alt. universe where Wheel of Fortune never aired]— 3 Days to SauceDay🌹 (@yerpalmildsauce) April 30, 2015
-Welcome to Sajak Hardware
-I’d like to buy a dowel
*a strange stirring in Pat’s soul*
Damn girl are you from Tennessee? Because you have several outstanding warrants from the Tennessee court system. Step out of the vehicle— batter up (@RxitWounds) March 2, 2015
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 23, 2015
Lil’ Kim implies the existence of a larger Kim— blake (@Leemanish) November 17, 2015
GOD: How many more animals left to make?— REW (@therealeatwood) June 29, 2015
GOD: And how many more legs do we have?
*3 months into Expedition— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) October 26, 2015
Lewis: is this a date? It feels like a date
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?— keith (@tchrquotes) February 28, 2015
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Someone needs to stop that kid pic.twitter.com/29EidW5ku2— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) October 22, 2015
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 2, 2015
Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?— eric af (@ewfeez) February 16, 2015
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.— The Humon Zomboni™ (@toomanytoes) July 1, 2015
wow, I can’t believe that guy did that… i apologize for him and all men, including me. if you need anyone to have sex with you let me know— Mike F (@mikefossey) March 13, 2015
I don’t know what a trap queen is but my neighborhood has a raccoon problem and I could use all the help I can get.— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) October 13, 2015
ME: any advice— Snacking boy, (@hippieswordfish) June 8, 2015
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter
100% of the people who describe their life as a “journey” have DUIs.— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) August 22, 2015
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no— Julian McCullough (@julezmac) October 24, 2015
Romo continues to struggle with his accuracy https://t.co/7bKWFlA6Qi— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) November 26, 2015
Damn girl are you a Prius because you’re giving me no sounds or indications that you’re turned on right now— Dustin (@DustinAHarkins) May 23, 2014
You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?— Kim Monte 🍁 (@KimmyMonte) September 18, 2015
*dog pokes me with nose*— Jackman…Forever (@TheAlexP) March 18, 2015
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.— Mark Leggett 🤷🏻♂️ (@markleggett) September 3, 2015
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for pic.twitter.com/LPslZ4Sg45— Licensed Esthetician (@SortaBad) May 1, 2015
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 15, 2015
EXEC: ok, who should Godzilla fight— albro (@bromanconsul) August 17, 2015
WRITER #1: 3-headed dragon
WRITER #2: King Kong
WRITER #3: a big moth
EXEC: tell me more about this moth
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER— Dave (@T_N_Crumpets) August 20, 2015
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
“Cheer up”, I say, curing someone of depression.— moody monday (@mdob11) March 8, 2015