In the nearly five years I’ve lived in Los Angeles, I’ve watched a steady stream of deafeated New Yorkers follow my path of westward migration. It’s easy to spot a recent refugee from New York: just look our for the pasty soul who is still complaining about NYC’s high rent, the bad weather and all that bullshit, even after moving. Luckily, they start to chill out once we get them stoned off their asses, force feed them kale smoothies, and tell them to shut the fuck up cuz no one wants to hear all that negativity all the time, brah.
But today’s TMZ scoop that Jay-Z and Beyonce are planning a move to Los Angeles (and have enrolled their daughter in private school already) shows that even one of NYC’s richest and most iconic couples no longer wants to waste their lives away amidst the urine-soaked snow and terrible weed.
Here are thirteen reasons why the Knowles-Carter clan wants to be L.A.-based:
1. They can relive the “Drunk in Love” beach-sequence nine months of the year.
2. Jay saw how easy it was for North Korea to strong-arm Hollywood and saw an opportunity to run this town.
3. Jay-Z is tired of not getting recognized on the subway by old ladies.
4. Better selection of local, organic, vegan, gluten-free baby foods for Blue Ivy.
5. Beyonce wants to be the black Gwyneth Paltrow—she just launched a vegan delivery food service, which will clearly be more popular on the West Coast.
6. Shorter buildings means less risk of being assaulted in elevators by in-laws.
7. Because everyone relevant in the music industry already lives here. We got Frank Ocean, DJ Mustard, Odd Future, Sia, and Kelela (who recently played Solange’s wedding) among others.
8. Because a Golden State of Mind feels a lot sunnier (and less imperialistic) than an Empire one.
9. L.A. people will freak the freak out if you blow cigar smoke on them, but won’t even bat an eye-lash extension if you roll up a blunt (as long as you share).
10. Kanye wants Blue Ivy and North to be besties and has promised to babysit when Jay and Bey want a night out.
11. The Brooklyn Nets are pretty terrible right now.
12. There is kale literally everywhere in L.A. We’ve been drinking it since long before Juice Press took over Manhattan. (Added bonus: you can say “literally” like a Valley Girl all you want without someone calling you out.)
13. Cause Playboy is here and they want to party at the mansion… duh.