Are you still angry at Canada for sending us the likes of Nickelback, Justin Bieber and Nickelback again? If so, stop it, because we’re about to return the favor.
Specifically, we’re sending them Burger King. Everyone’s favorite burger place that isn’t their actual favorite burger place has started the ball rolling on a deal that ends with them acquiring Canadian doughnut depot Tim Hortons. The one catch, though, is that Burger King “has” to move their headquarters to Canada.
While that’s bound to be a huge loss for a lot of people, at the same time, at least our import/export relations are square now. Also, holy shit, Burger King and Tim Hortons are getting married? The menu possibilities are nearly endless! Here are a few new items we’d like to see.
A BK Breakfast Sandwich with Syrup In It
There are rumblings that the real motivation behind Burger King’s decision to flee the country is something tax-related. That may be true, but don’t close your mind to another possibility. Burger King, at present, lacks the breakfast-sandwich-cooked-with-rocks-of-molten-maple-syrup-candy-in-it that discerning American palates now demand. Sure, McDonald’s is struggling right now, but they aren’t “we can’t even sell you a McGriddle” struggling.
This is also a problem Tim Hortons does not face. Becoming a team will help Burger King address this most glaring of all possible holes in their business model almost immediately. Right on.
The Poutine Whopper
A thorough scanning of their menu reveals that, shockingly, Tim Hortons doesn’t even have poutine on their menu. Is there a second Canada somewhere? Whatever the case, fix that shit and give Americans the Whopper with french fries, gravy and cheese curds on it they deserve.
Maple Donut Bacon Breakfast Sandwich
Like we’d ruin this for you by describing it ourselves. Just imagine it yourself. Make it look however you want, it’s still going to be delicious. Probably.
Take Your Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal and Throw It Out a Fucking Window
Admittedly, this is kind of the opposite of a new menu item. It’s more of a sincere request to right a wrong. Maple brown sugar, the banana-flavored candy of oatmeal, is an actual menu item at some Burger King locations. No one eats that shit willingly. What are you doing, Burger King?
Cinnamon French Toast Bagel with French Toast Sticks and/or Cinnabon Minibon Roll Combo Meal
You know what? Maybe just put everything both places sell on the same menu and let us work it out for ourselves. It’s fine.