BOSOM BUDDIES

By Lisa Lampanelli

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BOSOM BUDDIES:

It’s an age-old question, a query pondered by mere mortals long before Harry met Sally: Can men and women be friends?

To that I respond with a resounding “Does Bear Grylls shit in the woods? Of course!” In fact, I have lots of male friends. They love to go shopping, they give me valuable fashion tips, and they always have great stories about getting sodomized by a famous closeted actor in a trendy nightclub bathroom. That’s right—my male friends are gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay! And that’s why these friendships work, because there’s no sexual tension whatsoever. In fact, the only time there’s stress is when we show up somewhere wearing the same dress.

Now, am I friends with straight guys? Not anymore. Like all of you, my loyal readers, I’ve tried to take the “friends” route. I’ve attempted to be buddy-buddy with someone of the opposite sex for whom I had the proverbial hots. How did that work out? Well, let’s just say, after about 10 minutes I wanted to jump on my “friend” like Kristen Stewart on an A-list director. So after taking stab after stab at being pals with guys who made me sweat like Ricky Martin at a Chick-fil-A, I’ve come to the conclusion that straight men and friendship are like Amanda Bynes and automobiles. Individually they’re great, but put them together and there’s going to be trouble.

Most of the time, being friends with someone of the opposite sex is a perfectly good waste of genitalia. Are there exceptions? Sure. Say a guy is completely repulsive, like the Elephant Man, Rocky Dennis from Mask or, even worse, the Situation. I could be friends with that. And it’s the same for you men. No guy in history ever wanted to be friends with Halle Berry. That being said, some men still try to do it.

I don’t blame them. Women make great friends. The problem is, most of the time the last thing you want to be with a woman is friends. In fact, friendships between men and women usually don’t start out as friendships at all. They start out as you trying to get into her panties, and somewhere along the way, the botched sexual relationship turns into a friendship. This disastrous turn of events is commonly known as entering the “friend zone,” and we’ve all been there.

Now, as shallow and simple as men are, we women are even more devious and selfish. If we sense that you like us, we’ll string you along, getting what we want without giving up the goods. I will admit that over the years I have been “friends” with guys because they took me to dinners, concerts, vacations and the occasional cockfight. Get in a situation like this and you’ll be broker than Greece and the only female you’ll get blown by is Hurricane Sandy.

If you insist on having an opposite-gender friend, here’s my advice: Use the relationship to your advantage. Use your “friend” to meet other women. It’s a proven fact that one of the best ways to get a girlfriend is to hang out with girls. If a woman sees other women are comfortable around you, she’ll be more likely to want to get to know you. Before long, you’ll have a binder full of women, like Mitt Romney. In fact, a good reference from a female friend will get a woman’s bra off quicker than a lobster dinner and three appletinis.

Plus, sometimes girls are just more pleasant than the guys you pal around with. Be honest—other than your best friends, you’d totally rather hang out with chicks because they don’t start fights or smell like stale farts and onions or eat all the wings while you’re taking a piss. Who would you rather spend a day at the beach with? The guys? No! After throwing the football around for 10 minutes, you’d rather be rubbing lotion on the girls while praying for a bikini nip slip. Just don’t confuse a girl who’s a friend for a girlfriend. Because believe me, she won’t.

Generally speaking, however, most men can’t be friends with a woman they’re attracted to because, like it or not, we are all sexual beings. Spending too much time with someone of the opposite sex is like watching A-Rod in the ­playoffs—nerve-racking and frustrating. It’s like putting food addicts in a room with an all-you-can-eat buffet. Even if they’re not hungry at that moment, it’s just a matter of time before they’re facedown in a tray of Swedish meatballs.

So, guys, if you can, stick to being friends with guys. Just like a woman needs a friend with whom she can share her dreams, her feelings and the name of her favorite vibrator, a guy needs a guy friend who will keep the ugly chick occupied while he hits on the good-looking one. Either that, or become friends with Chaz Bono. That’s the best of both worlds. He can give you inside advice on women and tell you which is the best razor for heavy beards. Now that’s what I call friendship!


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