“I don’t know. They keep turning positive immediately, but the box says it should take like, three minutes to show!” I yelled at my roommate from the bathroom. I was on my third pregancy test—yes, I took three—and this last one read positive too. I walked out and held it up to her for further inspection. We both looked at each other with wide eyes. “Well…yeah, I guess I’m pregnant…” I said.
That was it. I wasn’t upset because hell, that’s life and I’ve never feared change. Life happens, babies happen and babies never end up being a bad thing. I knew that. I knew this was a huge opportunity for me. While the timing of such opportunities might not always be ideal, such is life.
And so the story of my momhood began. I hated being pregnant. It was boring. I couldn’t surf. I couldn’t ride my horse. I just walked the beach all day, every day. I snuck in modeling jobs when I could, until I was almost six months pregnant. I remember confiding only in a stylist that I was pregnant so that she would dress me in something that’d hide my awkward baby bump. She ended up putting me in a sweater dress, which, let me tell you, does not help a woman’s figure at all.
The lone maternity modeling agency wouldn’t sign me because I had previously shot for Playboy. God forbid moms be sexy.
The lone maternity modeling agency wouldn’t sign me because I had previously shot for playboy. I mean, God forbid moms be sexy! Instead, society wants us to appear as angels of modesty and chastity—even in ads and promo material. I mean, come on now: how do you think we became mothers in the first place?
I don’t have anything against purity, but the commercial, clean-cut, “responsible”-looking mother isn’t my style either. There are as many ways to be a mom as there are women in this world—some better than others, sure—but the point is that there is no right way. I think it would do us all a lot of good to remember that. The conservative, maternal, J.Crew-wearing stereotyped mom isn’t the ideal route for every mother. (For the record J.Crew has a lot of cute stuff; no offense my friends.)
When I watch my husband play guitar for our baby boy, I see my baby look at his daddy with complete awe and adoration. Respect is beyond important in a relationship, and my respect for my partner in life grows every time I watch him love our child. Most women will agree that watching a good father in action can be one of the most attractive things—so much so that you end up wishing your kid would just fall asleep so mom and dad can have some alone time.
In terms of feeling sexy as a mom, there are some pluses to being one who nurses. I’ve never had boobs before, and it’s fun to think of myself as curvy. When I shot my Playmate of the Year pictorial at the Mansion, we even had to have on hand Kleenex for emergency clean-ups (I’ll leave it at that); having gone a day without nursing definitely came through in the pictures!
I was a little worried about that shoot, to be honest, as it had only been three months since I had given birth to my baby boy. He’s now five-months-old and starting to love everything I love. We hike together with my dogs and sometimes, even my horse (I’m certain he thinks it’s just a big dog). As a woman, climbing up a mountain with your baby and nursing him at the top is an amazing experience I could have never imagined. It’s such an empowering and feminine feeling, knowing that all your baby needs is you. And feeling that free is the kind of thing that will always a woman feel strong—and in turn, yes, sexy.