Do you love your dog? Do you love the concept of dogs in general? Have you ever met a dog? Then strap in, my friend, for the emotional journey of this or any lifetime, because you are about to experience a mind-blowing example of the emotions that one cute dog can evoke in humanity in general and in you, the casual viewer, in particular. Here is a fantastic Budweiser commercial called “Lost Dog.” GET READY FOR FEELINGS FOR DAYS.
Was I right or was I right? I was right, right? Oh, God, was I right. That was fucking beautiful. I don’t care if you’re a man, a woman, or someone who rejects the gender binary: that shit was gorgeous. Let’s break down this 60-second commercial in the best way I know how: with screenshots and attendant commentary.
Oh, what’s this? We open with a dude with a Clydesdale, no big deal. Many people work with Clydesdales, right? These beautiful, noble steeds are worth upwards of like $40,000 each, probably, or they should be! Anyway, this guy has a cap so we know he is normal, an everyday kind of fellow. And look at that Budweiser branding on his cap. He drinks Buds and/or works for Budweiser! Who can say? He sure is normal, that’s all I know!
Holy fuck, it’s a puppy! I was not expecting this! And an adorable puppy, at that. What is this puppy doing in the hay? Was this puppy taking a nap? I cannot imagine why this puppy would be in the barn, except that sometimes puppies will go where puppies will go, you cannot control them! It does seem odd that this gentleman would not have known the whereabouts of his puppy, considering it is rather a small puppy and probably needs to be supervised at various times so that it does not eat shoes or small woodland creatures, but hey, farm life is farm life! Things get lost!
So now the dude is headed to work, or something, even though doesn’t he work at the farm? Well, he’s got to go “into town,” for provisions or what not. He’s got his work truck, which maybe his Clydesdale is supposed to go in sometimes? I do not know, I am not a farm person. (But I love their work!) So now the puppy wants to go along, and the puppy steals a ride. Oh ho ho, this is adorable! How funny will it be when the dude opens the trailer or whatever it is called and sees the puppy! Hee hee hee, I cannot wait!
WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK? The man’s truck stops short in traffic and somehow the extremely faulty door to his horse trailer just OPENS UP and then the puppy runs the fuck out for reasons unknown, probably because he is just scared of the traffic noises? Wait, I was not prepared for this! What if the puppy gets hit by a car! Does the man not realize that there is a puppy playing in traffic? Why is Budweiser doing this to me and making me worry that a puppy will die squished to death by a truck or perhaps some asshole who is drinking a Coors Lite or Natty Ice while driving fast down the road?!
Okay, so the whole point of the bro going to town was actually to advertise that he can’t find his dog, apparently? Couldn’t he have searched the farm more thoroughly, or perhaps, I don’t know, HIS OWN TRUCK? Now he will probably never find the dog, because he is dumb, and this is what is wrong with many pet owners: THEY ARE DUMB AND DO NOT DESERVE THE PURE AND SELFLESS LOVE THAT ONLY AN ANIMAL CAN PROVIDE. Oh, God, I hope the dog is okay.
The dog is NOT okay! The dog is cold and wet and scared and apparently really droopy and sad. The dog is hiding inside some sort of box trying to stay dry. I hate his owner. I hate this commercial. I hate Budweiser and I hate America.
Aww, man, now I feel bad for the dumb bro who lost his dog. He’s so sad he’s snuggling the horse. And the horse is thinking, “Dude, you’re so fucking dumb, but also I miss that little weird puppy, too. Maybe we should drink our feelings?”
Wow, this puppy sure is running with a sense of purpose. Is it possible he knows how to get home? I mean he’s on a farm — is it THE farm? Does he have some sort of internal GPS? YES HE DOES AND IT IS CALLED LOVE.
This is just a gorgeous shot. No snark here, no joke, no real purpose except to give kudos to whoever lit this shot and to whoever framed it and actually, you know, shot it. Haunting, beautiful, hopeful. AND THE PUPPY IS RUNNING! AWWW RUN PUPPY RUN!
OMG IT IS THE FARM! It is our farm! It is dudebro’s farm, and puppykins is barking, and guess who hears him?
It’s the Clydesdale! The Clydesdale hears the puppy! The bro is nowhere to be found, typically, because he apparently has no sense of hearing or understanding of the ways of internal animal GPS, so he hasn’t been up waiting for the puppy at 5 a.m. or whatever even though he’s a farmer, so wouldn’t you think he’d be up? Well, surely it’s smooth sailing for our puppy from now on. He’s home!
Wait, WHAT the fuck is that in the distance, behind our (very nicely made-up by the makeup department) muddy puppy? Oh fuck no.
IS THAT A MOTHERFUCKING WOLF? Oh, shit, man, I felt really good about this moment, like the puppy was gonna get home, and now you’re hitting me with this wolf shit? (Nice CGI on the dripping saliva by the way, FX team. Good work.) This wolf is definitely going eat this puppy.
But wait, what’s happening back at the barn? It sounds like the Clydesdale is acting up…but it also sounds like there’s more than one horse in there…
HOLY SHIT! IT’S THE MOTHERFUCKING CLYDESDALES AND THEY ARE COMING FOR YOUR BITCH ASS, YOU WOLFY FUCK! The Clydesdales presumably did a great deal of damage to the dudebro’s barn as they broke out, but FUCK him, he’s asleep when his dog has come home, and they are ready to defend their little buddy! Also, why am I crying? I am crying at my desk!
Yeah, that’s right, you stupid piece of shit! RUN! RUN YOUR ASS HOME! Fuck you and your wolfish desire to eat this puppy! Sure, you’ve probably been driven from your natural home by overdevelopment due to agriculture and other forms of human development, and you’re clearly very hungry and potentially starving, and maybe you are a mother wolf who needs to feed her pups back home before they swiftly perish, but whatever, HAHAHA, FUCK YOU, THE BUDWEISER HORSES WIN THE DAY! ALSO I AM STILL CRYING!
Okay, missed opportunity to start playing “Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta,” but whatever, I’ll accept it. Surely I’m done crying now!
Oh, okay, now we’ve got this douche again. Ugh, I’m so over him.
AUUUUUGHHHH! THE PUPPY IS BACK! THE PUPPY IS BAAAAACK!
OH MY GOD HE CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE IT BECAUSE IT IS A MIRACLE!
I AM CRYING SO HARD! OH GOD I WANT ALL THE BUDWEISER! I WILL DRINK BUDWEISER FOREVER! I WILL BATHE IN BUDWEISER! I WILL WASH MY HAIR IN BUDWEISER! DOUCHE WITH BUDWEISER IF NECESSARY! I WILL DO EVERYTHING WITH BUDWEISER UNTIL ALL THE PUPPIES AND HORSIES COME HOME!
God, I want a Bud.