Charissa Thompson, host of Fox Sports 1 and all-around dream package, is better than me at everything. She slays it on the red carpet (while I mostly blackout at parties), she looks good at all angles (while I look like a hipster vampire), she dresses like she was trained by every fashionista of the last century (while I dress like an unemployed lumberjack), and she glows like a hot blessing in a bikini (while I look like I accidentally wandered into the pool, even in board shorts). The point of all this is that Charissa Thompson is a wonderful creature who was sent to our world to force all of us to rethink our lives.
And so I have! First, I have to go to the gym apparently. Second, I’m pretty sure I need to chill out on my drinking. Third, I need to stop cutting my own hair. Fourth, I need somebody to buy me clothes or I’m going to keep wearing flannels that friends leave in my car forever.
Will I ever look like Charissa Thompson, the stylish angel that gave my life purpose (or will, once I learn how to be decent)? No, most likely not, as Charissa Thompson—I have to say her whole name like a prayer—carries herself with effortless grace while typing this much hurt my back. But maybe one day I too will look like I’m living in a lifestyle blog. Sigh. Until then, I’m just going to keep scrolling through Charissa Thompson’s Instagram feed while drinking bloody marys in bed.
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