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8 Closeted Gay Men Who Have Wives and Kids Share Their Stories

8 Closeted Gay Men Who Have Wives and Kids Share Their Stories: Focus Features

Focus Features

As a straight man currently dating a bisexual girl, I frequently get nervous at the thought of my girlfriend leaving me for a woman. I mean, it would make sense. Women are way more beautiful than me. All of them. That being said, it was really eye-opening to read the stories from this post on Reddit about people who are or were in a straight marriage with or as a homo/bisexual.

I am a closeted bi man, admittedly I’d say I’m 80%+ attracted to men, and I have a wife and high school kids. I always knew I liked guys, but convinced myself since I did like both that it was kind of a phase. I met a woman, we fell in love, yes, really, got married, and had kids. During that time, I had encounters with guys. Sometimes I’d go to an adult bookstore booth, a few times I found a regular FWB to mess around with, via IRC or one of the primitive sites back then. I tried to be the best husband I could be, but every so often I’d find myself being intimate with a guy. Yes, I know. Whatever you’re going to say to me, I’ve said to myself more times than I can count. I work really hard at being a good husband and father, I do most of the housework and taking care of the kids (the wife works long hours). I know that working hard at being a great husband and dad doesn’t counter sneaking off and having sex with guys, but all things considered I guess there’s worse things. I’m still married. The kids are in high school. As far as I know, none of them know. I still have encounters every so often. I still do love her, even though we’re not intimate any more. If I didn’t love her, I’d probably break up for both our sake. I guess the worst part is knowing I’m living in a house of cards, and at any given time it could collapse. I’ve played out every scenario of ‘tell her’ I can think of, and can’t see any of them where I don’t move out and get a divorce. So here I am, living a double life until something ends it.

I am a lesbian who is married to my best friend who also happens to be an asexual man. We love each other on another level and I am happier now than I have ever been with anyone.

Been married 4 years and have a son. Very happy with my life currently and the direction it’s going in. Never confronted my sexual preference until I was 13. I was in my history class and told myself that if I don’t decide now then I’m just asking for trouble in the future. I admitted that I found myself attracted to the same sex but what am I going to do about it? In my decision process took everything off the table: religion, family/ friends, anything that would tell me how I should live my life because I wanted to find out what I truly wanted. I went through what outcomes I could choose since I’m not going to be a fence sitter and suddenly have a crisis down the road. I imagined life with a boyfriend living together, sounds nice I guess. We could adopt kids and maybe live in Seattle. Keep in mind that I was willing to give up anything/everything in order to live this way. I then imagined what would happen if I had a wife. Having my own children. Spending my life with the mother of my kids. Honestly, when it comes down to it I preferred this more. So that’s the path that I chose and I never really had any issues about my sexuality. The way I went about this will probably make some people angry. But I’m truly living life the way that I want.

Closeted bisexual guy here. It’s difficult to live with. What she doesn’t understand is that it’s a hunger, an urge that needs to be sated. From time to time, I want to touch another man. It’s an insatiable lust that I haven’t yet figured out how to deal with. I’ve been with men before her. I don’t want to have a relationship with men if it means losing her. She’s a perfectly fine wife, more than I could have hoped for. I love her dearly and yes, I am turned on by her as well. I was afraid to tell my wife as I thought it would drive her away. Her last serious relationship left her for a man and she resented him greatly. So I was terrified of her knowing the truth about me. Then one day, while on vacation of all the bloody times, I blurted it out. I had a few drinks by then and we were sitting quietly on a gazebo on a lagoon, alone and enjoying each other’s company. She took it well, but that’s been the end of it. We haven’t talked about it since and it’s been a year. To be honest, it’s killing me that we don’t talk about it. No one else knows and I can’t explore my interests, as she won’t allow it. And that’s why it’s difficult to live with.

A guy I know confided in me. He has a daughter in college and a son in high school (who recently came out as gay), but he is still in the closet. He is incredibly unhappy most of the time. At work and at home he cannot be who he wants to be. He is counting down the days till his son leaves for college, then plans on coming out and getting a divorce. A few months ago his wife accused him of cheating on her because they aren’t intimate and emotionally distant (he hasn’t cheated). He came out to her then, and while she was relieved he wasn’t cheating and got an honest explanation for the distant behavior, it none the less shook her up emotionally. They are not so distant now, but it is still not a happy marriage. The only time he is really happy is when he is out doing nature photography or traveling (and he feels he can be himself).

My husband wasn’t “out” as bisexual when we met. In fact, he isn’t out NOW for the most part. After we’d been married for several years, he told me that he was attracted to men. To be honest, I didn’t even think about it before I said “that’s cool”. Because it is. His desire to have sex with men has literally nothing to do with our relationship. He loves me; I love him. I’m attracted to men; so is he. By being open and honest about what’s expected from and needed by each of us, we navigate this very smoothly. He tells me when he’s going to meet a “friend”, and I don’t ask for more details. That’s how we worked it out and it’s what makes both of us comfortable. What he tells other people about his preferences and activities is for him to decide. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we enjoy one another’s company and that even if he were to decide at some point in the future that he no longer wanted to have sex with women we’d probably stay married because we are each the other’s favorite person in the whole world. 

Divorced my husband when I found out he was gay and paying to sleep with transvestites. He lied about everything and made my life miserable because he was miserable. He wanted to look “normal” since he was a lawyer and wanted to become a judge. (He is one now.) We had two little girls together which he now takes care of because he’s wealthy and I have to hustle to get by. He promised to take care of me and support me but he emotionally and psychologically abused me and now I deal with the pain of losing the girls I nearly died having. I have to pretend it never happened in order to just go on living. I know they are better off where they are, he’s good to them and I wouldn’t be able to provide. It’s not ok to lie about who you are. I understand that it’s difficult, but don’t hurt others because you can’t live with who you are.

My soon-to-be ex-husband came out a year ago. We were married for almost 12 years and have 2 daughters. My whole world was crushed! He was my best friend and out of all of our friends - I always thought our relationship was the best. He went away on business and when he came back was remarkably different. I was convinced he had an affair and when I confronted him about it - gay. Always has been. Now, I’m in a relationship with a man who is beyond my wildest dreams and he’s dating to find his. We share custody and still have a great relationship.

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