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Vermont College Bans Energy Drinks Because of Risky Sex (Sigh)

Vermont College Bans Energy Drinks Because of Risky Sex (Sigh): IG: @alysontabbitha

IG: @alysontabbitha

Middlebury College in Vermont recently approved a ban on energy drinks for several reasons, such as increased risk of alcohol abuse and unsustainable study habits. The most curious reason cited, though, was the fear of students engaging in “high-risk sexual activity.”

We’re not totally sure what the high-risk angle means either. You have to wonder what kind of wild sex the college’s Community Council, which consists of staff, faculty and students, are drawing up on the whiteboard.

Do they think that every energy drink consumer on campus is a bedroom tweaker with green blood, fidgeting so hard in foreplay that they won’t have the patience to open a condom wrapper? Do they think energy drinks put voices into students’ heads that hype autoerotic asphyxiation as a fun Tuesday morning? Do they think caffeinated orgies become the automatic preferred activity on Saturday nights? Do they think students’ hearts are going to explode at climax?

The best argument you can make against energy drinks, and it’s not a strong one at that, is that just one energy drink can increase blood pressure, which isn’t the best for your body, according to a 2015 Mayo Clinic study. But given the proponderance of college students who are pounding energy drinks and having sex across the country every day, we have to think the chances that anything bad could happen are pretty low.

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