If your girlfriend donned a pantsuit and pearls on Election Day, chances are she’s still spending her weekends wearing sweats, wrapped in a comforter on the sofa like a sad burrito. She might even still be picking imaginary pieces of broken glass out of her hair from the ceiling that didn’t shatter. If she has seemed a bit distant lately, know this: unlike the time you forgot her birthday or refused to pick up tampons on your way home, this time, her despondence is not your fault. The candidate that promised to fight for new mothers’ paid work leave and to keep birth control free under the Affordable Care Act lost and the man admitting to grabbing pussies on tape won. It doesn’t help that Trump continues to appoint people (mainly old white guys) who are anything but progressive to top presidential posts. According to the New York Times, Bobby Jindal, Rick Scott and Mike Huckabee, who are all pro-life, are being considered to lead the Department of Health and Human Services.
You’ve heard this already, but the truth is it’s a scary time to be a woman. Your girlfriend may be too depressed to do the things she usually does. Do you want to get her out of this rut and show that you’re here to help? Of course you do, so let me give you a few pointers.
1. Create a diversion at the doctor’s office so she can steal sample packs of birth control pills. Performing a juggling act of used syringes and specimen cups while dressed like a clown (clowns are on a lot of “Most Wanted” lists right now), throwing confetti at moms-to-be while shouting “Congratulations!” and maintaining long, uncomfortable spans of eye contact with the receptionist are all good ways to keep security guards’ hands on you and not your girl. Related: Tell her she’ll always be attractive and sane no matter how much birth control she takes, unlike what this idiot says.
2. Offer to give her a monthly breast exam after Planned Parenthood is defunded, limiting access to free preventative cancer screenings. Consult a few articles on Wikipedia before attempting a pap smear.
3. Hire some people to sexually harass the men who cat-call her on her way to work as she watches. (I know a guy who knows a guy.)
4. Sign up for conjugal visits at your closest womens’ correctional facility now. Depending on where you live, if she ever has an abortion, she might end up behind a three-inch piece of glass.
5. For the love of god, don’t grab her by the pussy.
6. Stock up on condoms while they’re still available, as our vice president-elect doesn’t believe in their effectiveness. Stocking up on those oblong latex balloons used to make balloon animals probably isn’t a bad idea either. (You can probably pick them up at the same party store you buy your clown costume at.)
7. Record men saying shitty sexist stuff and then get them fired. Because that’s what supposed to happen.
8. Add up the amount of times in a week you typically go down on her. Have that number in your mind? Double it. And then triple that number. Your girl may have significantly fewer rights in the next four years, but one thing is for sure: she’ll still be around! Better to have her wrapped around your finger instead of crushed under the government’s fist.