Newsfront: The Newer, Better New Testament

The Newer, Better New Testament

The first three or four times we read about this, we were sure it was a joke, but, much like Lady Gaga, this thing looks to be for real, despite all appearances.

Much as reality has a notable liberal bias, it turns out that bible of right-wing idiocy, the Bible itself, leans a little too far left. And so the brave cretins from Conservapedia have taken on the word of God Himself. They’re retranslating the Bible to make sure it conforms better to their own ideology, insuring that He is an even more perfect being, explicitly supporting Second Amendment rights and totally creeped out by gay marriage just like you. Screw the meek—apparently Glenn Beck’s going to inherit the earth.

Among the intended changes in this new, conservative, Bible:

Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning

Finally, Jesus’s miraculous transformation of water into wine will be revealed as the socialistic, anti-Capital, terroristic act that it was. And the loaves and fishes? Just wait until Milton Friedman unveils the motives behind that little act of government handout.

Image via Wikipedia

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Rush to Judgement

We’ll admit it—this clip from Rush Limbaugh has us all kinds of confused. Rush appears to be supporting Playboy, but we hate to think we’re affiliated with the pill-popping sebaceous gland in any way....

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The C Stands for Security

In an irony that would put Larry David to shame, the UK’s Ministry of Defence issued an internal memo about preventing leaks that promptly got leaked to the Internet.

The three volume, 2,300 page book includes information on dealing with investigative journalists, foreign agents and computer hackers as well as how to deal with typical approaches from Chinese and Russian secret services.

The Defence Manual of Security was issued in October 2001 and is marked "Restricted." The three volumes, which appear in their entirety on Wikileaks, cover: protective security, personnel security and IT security.

If you would like to learn more about how top defense organizations are preventing leaks, the leaked document can be found here.

Image via the Guardian

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Nobel Gaseousness

Of the many, many nonsensical objections to health care reform in the United States, this little tone poem from Ann Althouse (pictured) has to count as one of the worst.

3 Americans win the Nobel Prize in Medicine, and I don't suppose that creates an occasion to talk about how our health care system might not be so terrible.

Does it?

Of the countless idiocies contained in that short question, we’re merely going to ask Ann one question: So how about one of this year’s Nobel winning Medicine scholars, Elizabeth Blackburn, conducts your checkup next time? Regardless of the fact that this very smart Tasmanian has no understanding of general health, or general medicine, we’re sure she’ll provide you a clean bill of health. Despite your obvious mental deficiencies.

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Windy City Windy Chatter

Presumably it was only a matter of time, but even we were kind of hoping it would never come to this. Chicago’s loss of the 2012 Olympics has been blamed on George W. Bush.

Actual newspaper the Chicago Sun-Times actually editorializes this.

Some Chicago officials say anti-American resentment likely played a role in Chicago's Olympic bid dying in the first round Friday.

President Obama could not undo in one year the resentment against America that President Bush and others built up for years, they said.

"There must be" resentment against America, the Rev. Jesse Jackson said, near the stage where he had hoped to give a victory speech in Daley Center Plaza. "The way we [refused to sign] the Kyoto Treaty, we misled the world into Iraq. The world had a very bad taste in its mouth about us. But there was such a turnaround after last November. The world now feels better about America and about Americans. That's why I thought the president's going was the deal-maker."

State Rep. Susana Mendoza (D-Chicago) said she saw firsthand the resentment against America five years ago when she was in Rio de Janeiro. "I feel in my gut that this vote today was political and mean-spirited," she said.

"I travel a lot. ... I thought we had really turned a corner with the election of President Obama. People are so much more welcoming of Americans now. But this isn't the people of those countries. This is the leaders still living with outdated impressions of Americans."

Former President Bush will also be responsible for failures to secure the Olympics in the years 2016 through 2044. We look forward to running this piece again and again and again.

Image via the Sun-Times