According to Mashable, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), at the end of its months-long investigation, has concluded hoverboards are unsafe due to issues ranging from overheating to melting to straight-up exploding into fire. This decision was followed by the CPSC hitting “retailers, manufacturers, and importers with new hoverboard safety standards,” asking them to voluntarily take hoverboards off the market until being independently tested and certified as safe.
OBAMA’S TAKING AWAY OUR HOVERBOARDS!
And I say about time.
No, it’s not because I’m a huge advocate of safety — local bartenders will unhappily attest to this — but instead because everyone just looks like a dick on a hoverboard. Not only is the inaccuracy of the name infuriating, but a hoverboarder just seem like he or she is wildin’ out with the most basic of moves. It’s obnoxious.
When the hoverboard first debuted, there was a smugness to its rider. The hoverboarding crew thought its new whip was closer to a skateboard, though it was really just a handleless Segway, and they were too busy making sponsored Vines about these stupid things to notice.
If you want to celebrate the CPSC’s decision for the sole reason of safety, by all means please do. Hoverboards are ticking timebombs, and yet now comes the inevitable protest of faux-libertarians, mostly made up of teenagers taking a break from quoting Tumblr to riot about the Second Amendment.
It’s too late.
The decline of the hoverboard has already started. Last month Amazon announced refunds for hoverboards purchased through the site. So begins the downfall, so ends the empire, and so it goes. So, really, truly, from the bottom of my bleeding heart, thanks, Obama.