You’re tired of smelling like every other guy at the bar. But how best to stand out from the crowd? Skip the traditional musk- or citrus-scented sprays for one of the, uh, less conventional colognes on this list. While some of these are actually wearable, others more closely fit the formal definition of “intoxicating.” In any case, she’ll get a kick out of spying one of them on your bedroom dresser.

photo courtesy of Demeter Fragrance

$40 for 4 oz.,
The people who make this lobster-scented fragrance call it both “obtuse” and “dead on.” Redolent of sweet meat and drawn butter, there’s obviously a big market for this among lonely Maine men hoping to lure a nice lobsterwoman.

photo courtesy of Etat Libre D’Orange

$80 for 50 ml,
Described as “like blood, sweat, sperm, saliva,” this unisex perfume is purportedly meant to mimic your body’s various juices and excretions. The closest you’ll get to smelling like sex.

photo courtesy of CB I HATE PERFUME

$50 for 30 ml,
The name of this cologne is not ironic. It smells like a pile of burning leaves, which isn’t such a bad thing. You’ll certainly turn heads at a cocktail party if you walk in wearing this stuff.

photo courtesy of D.S. & Durga

$145 for 50 ml,
Apparently “burning” is a theme among perfumers, though the smoky quality of this cologne is more toned down than Brosius’s “Burning Leaves.” That smoke tends to fade away quickly, leaving a masculine lavender scent behind.

photo courtesy of AHALIFE

photo courtesy of AHALIFE

$140 for 150 ml,
This unisex scent is herbal, spicy, and somewhat conventional. But it makes our list because it resembles bright blue paint when first spritzed on. Though the blue hue fades, for an hour after you apply this cologne you’ll look like you walked out of a paintball battle.

photo courtesy of AMAZON

$154 for 100 ml,
You’ve always wanted to smell like a freshly lit joint. The only problem: you don’t smoke weed. Here’s your solution. Ideal for high school students and those hoping to get out of jury duty. (Actually this has a clean, herbal scent.)

photo courtesy of CB I HATE PERFUME

$50 for 30 ml,
The second from perfumer Christopher Brosius, this cologne immediately calls to mind old books and leather. It would actually work well as a home air-freshener. Spray it around your place, and you’ll give your pad a super-distinctive scent.

photo courtesy of Demeter Fragrance

$40 for 4 oz.,
A “deeper, darker, richer version” of Demeter’s no-doubt bestselling “Dirt” cologne, the makers of this scent say it reflects “not the worm itself, but where it lives, deep in moist soil, on the floor of a forest covered with decomposing leaves.” Mmm, moist soil.

photo courtesy of FARGINNAY

$36 (amount not indicated),
This one drives women crazy. While the bacon scent isn’t overpowering, it’s undeniably present in cologne the manufacturers call “sophisticated.” Our advice: skip the “lighter” Bacon Gold in favor of the more robust “Bacon Classic.” If you’re going to wear a bacon-scented cologne, be bold.

photo courtesy of Vulva Original

$33 (amount not indicated),
It smells like a “desirable woman’s” genitalia, according to its makers. Maybe this one isn’t for you, but for that special someone you have deflated and stuffed in your closet.