Ah, the glory hole. One of mankind’s most fascinating inventions. While sticking your pride and joy into a hole with no idea of what waits on the other side may seem ludicrous/scary/insane to some, there are those who revel in the mystery and who jump at the chance to put their penis in danger. These are their stories.

1. Burning Desire

This happened to a colleague of mine, who used to be with the Hong Kong police. A construction worker walks into the police station, sweating profusely and looking forlorn. He says he thinks he’s just committed a crime. My colleague, not used to somebody being so frank about this sort of thing, takes him into an interview room. He asks the man to explain what happened. So, this construction worker was working on a development near a public park, and on a break had an urgent need to take a dump. So he goes to the restrooms at the park, and takes a seat in one of those stalls. He’s minding his own business whilst pinching out a loaf, when he hears the sound of somebody shuffling in to the toilets. Suddenly, the toilet paper in his stall flutters a little bit, and before he knows it, there’s somebody’s bell end poking through. This construction worker is silently aghast, and without thinking, reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out his cigarette lighter. He lowers the lighter under the fleshy intruder, and sparks up. He hears a yowl of pain, before the johnson retracts and the guy does the runner. The worker wipes up, immediately leaves the construction site and headed straight to the police station.

2. Any Port In The Storm

I was in high school and completely naive to the world. I was at the mall and had to poop. Sears had a bathroom and I was close. The walls were covered in graffiti and kinda run down. But hey… any port in the storm, right? I sat to do my business and just reading some jokes and graffiti on the stall walls when all of the sudden a fat uncircumcised cock just fucking appeared on the wall! I actually thought that someone glued a dildo to the wall and I hadn’t noticed it before. Slowly the gears began to turn and reality set in. All I could think to do was say, “Hi” to the person on the other side. The voice on the other side asked if I wanted to touch it. I just shrugged my shoulders and sorta flicked a couple times. The voice asked if I wanted to suck it. I remember his voice was polite and I really didn’t feel threatened. I politely said, “No thanks” and just like that, it was pulled back and I heard footsteps leaving the bathroom.

3. More Like When In Greece

I did it once. I figured it was a dude, felt stubble on my penis skin. I’m into women, but I was with a friend at a gay bar supporting him coming out, and you know, when in Rome.

4. Have A Nice Day

So I was horny one afternoon, and in my infinite wisdom decided to go on Craigslist to find a hookup. Came across an ad for a glory hole-type set up for a BJ, and decided to go for it. I worked myself up into a reasonable state and stuck my dick through the hole. Anyways, as the BJ is going along I’m getting to my bursting point, and then when I’m about to pop, I get weak in the knees. A byproduct of this is me not finishing and having to work up a lather again to get me going. This is where things start to go wrong. At this point my friend behind the curtain is getting impatient, and does a few things. First they have stopped using their mouth (which I don’t blame them they had been going for about ten minuets) and are roughly tugging my timber. Then proceed to put on my penis what I later found out to be “Lady Lube” (or so my friend told me, when I told him this story) that left a burning sensation. They finally also with there other free hand, reach up and give my nuts the death grip. At my wits end after orgasm denial, burning wood, being rubbed the wrong way, and a death grip on my boys; I pulled away, said I was sorry, gathered my things, and left with a closing remark of, “Have a nice day.”

5. The Mexican Stand-off

My roommate came up to ask if I wanted to go out for some food. I agreed and we decided to head over to our favorite Mexican restaurant. We both ordered the large burrito, which was enough to feed an entire family for a week. After eating and drinking so much that night, I had to take a trip to the bathroom. I walked into the men’s room, and the place was a mess. It was a Friday night and the place was usually pretty busy, so I am sure that every drunken college kid within 10 miles had taken a shit in this place. The floors were covered in various liquids and the stench was horrid. I decided to man the fuck up and just get my business done.

As I was taking a shit I noticed that the side of the bathroom stall had a dick-sized hole in it. I didn’t really realize what it was at the time, but I am sure it was often used as a glory hole. Now this is where things get really fucked up. REALLY fucked up. Without even thinking, I stood up and decided I was gonna see if my dick would fit in it. Don’t judge me. I grab my dick and start positioning it into the glory hole, when I suddenly hear the sound of two swords clash. A wild dick had come through the other end of the glory hole, and had come in contact with my own dick.

I immediately panicked and tried to sheathe my weapon, but out of nowhere, the entire side of the bathroom stall falls on top of me and knocks me over. I realize that my jousting rival - who easily weighs 400lbs - had knocked over the stall in a panic and fallen on top of me. The worst part of it all is that his dick is still in the fucking glory hole, and it is poking my bare stomach. As I lie on the shitpukepiss covered floors being crushed by 400-pounder, I cry, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?” But since I can hardly breathe I really just express a loud moan. 400-pounder took this as a signal of sexual desire and starts to aggressively hump my belly through the glory hole. I couldn’t tell if 400-pounder was just trying to get up or not, but the whole situation still scars me.

At this point, it has been about 10 minutes since I went into the washroom, so my friend decides to walk in and get me to hurry my ass up. Once he enters the bathrooms, he soon hears the strange noises and bursts into the stalls. Upon entering the stall, he sees 400-pounder butt naked lying on the glory hole stall. My buddy immediately starts to freak out and starts throwing up alcohol/burrito juices all over the place. 400-pounder scrambles up and releases me from the grasp of the glory hole stall. Myself and 400-pounder both start throwing up as well and the bathroom stall turns into a “Complete and Total Barf-O-Rama.”

In all the commotion, I start to stand up and I realize that I may have broken a rib. I look down at my stomach and I can’t really tell because of all the disgusting fluids on my body, but I am pretty sure 400-pounder came on my stomach during the humping extravaganza. 400-pounder is trying to put his clothes back on, while my buddy tries to help me up since I am in a lot of pain. Just then, an employee at the Mexican Restaurant (a 40-50 year old male) opens the door to the restroom and looks us right in the face.

My ribs ended up being fractured in 2 different spots. About 8 months later, I was getting some groceries, and from across the aisle, I met eyes with 400-pounder. Neither of us said a word. We just stared each other down, and remembered the good ol’ times at the glory hole.

6. My Kind Of Bar

I went to a bar in the Philippines once and noticed there were square holes at groin level right where you sat/stood. I assumed they were to piss in at the bar and thought nothing more of it until I ordered a beer and within a minute I feel a hand grabbing my dick. I looked down and realized every guy at the bar was getting a bj or a handy j from a series of unseen women sitting behind the bar.

7. The Weeping Piñata

When I was 19 I worked at an adult bookstore. The place had two back rooms. There were a few booths that had glory holes between them. The owners tried covering the holes with metal plates all the time but the "regulars” we’re constantly removing them.

One night I was working and smoke started coming from the arcade. I ran into the back room with a fire extinguisher and found the source of the smoke. Someone had lit a roll of toilet paper on fire in one of the booths. I sprayed it with a fire extinguisher and went back up front. (I used the extinguisher because someone unrolled all the paper and I was a giant flaming pile.) Up front we had a little broom and dustpan with a long handle used for sweeping up cigarette butts. The broom was about 3 feet long. I grabbed them and went back to the booth to sweep up the burned paper and the powder from the extinguisher. While I was sweeping someone entered the booth next to the one I was in. I heard them plop in a bunch of tokens and then heard the movie turn on. No big deal.

Suddenly: PENIS. I hadn’t realized there was a glory hole between the booths. I was startled by it because it brushed up against my leg. I jumped back and instinctively swung the little broom at it. I smacked that thing like it was a piñata. (Picture Gallagher smashing a watermelon with a stick instead of a sledgehammer.) The penis bounced up and down while sticking out of the hole and turned instantly purple. There was crazy screaming coming from the other booth. The penis retreated back into its own booth and the dude inside burst out and ran to the front of the store with his pants around his ankles.

When he got to the front of the store he dropped to his knees and started weeping. I came out of the back room just as a bachelorette party was coming into the store. They were all giggling but stopped when they saw the guy with the purple dick crying on his knees in the middle of the store. I yelled, “That’s what you get for starting fires,” and the all the ladies in the bachelorette party froze and then just backed quietly out of the store. I went back to manning the cash register. He sat there for about thirty minutes crying until I told him I was going to call the cops if he didn’t leave. He got up and left.

He came in two nights later, bought tokens and went into the arcade without saying a word. 3 hours later he left. A bunch of the regulars came out from the back giggling. I asked them what was so funny and they all told me about how they all gave a dude with a purple dick a blowjob.