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You Haven’t Lived Until You’ve Read This Erotic Fan Fiction About Ted Cruz and Guy Fieri

You Haven’t Lived Until You’ve Read This Erotic Fan Fiction About Ted Cruz and Guy Fieri:

The incredible power of erotica is that you can move beyond social etiquette and boundaries, couple unlikely lovers, and pretty much spiral into the darkest weirdness of your sex-craven mind. However, the biggest problem with erotica is…honestly, the same thing. It’s too much responsibility to not go down the silly, strange, and stupefying roads you at first hesitate before. But then one step becomes many and you wind up with something like the Ted Cruz and Guy Fieri erotic fan fiction.

Oh, did that idea rattle your nerves? Because it’s definitely a thing, and everyone’s talking about it. Cringingly titled “Frosted Tips,” the short (horrifying) sex story was written by two gals, Lana and Talia, before being read at a comic book store shortly after. Once it was posted on Lana’s blog, we all gone down the rabbit hole because, truly, how could you not?

To be sure, it’s fascinating, but I also super don’t like how it made me feel. If you want an idea of sensual why-has-our-god-forsaken-us creepiness, here are a few excerpts.

EXCERPT 1: Ted Cruz walked in a Genuinely Human Manner, as he had so often been instructed by his campaign manager, through Times Square. But what did it even matter anymore, to keep up this façade? As he passed through the heaving flanks of Midwestern tourists, he let himself show the disdain he had felt all along for their fleshy undulation.

EXCERPT 2: He was alone in his horrifying flesh prison, but he was their king, and they were all going down with him, clutching dragon chili cheese fries in their hammy fists.

EXCERPT 3: “THIS IS WHAT WE DESERVE!”, they omitted from their mouth holes. “WE HAVE TRULY LOOKED INTO THE ABYSS AND LOOKED BACK AT OURSELVES!”

It’s like that the whole time. It reads like Henry Miller was raised in an Applebee’s and it’s incredible…y unnerving and also I hate it. It feels like a million caterpillars are crawling on me and tell me they love me. That’s where I’m at emotionally after all that.

Here is the erotica piece of the year.

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