In honor of Father’s Day I asked you guys to share the most memorable advice you received from you dads about women. Let me tell ya … there is something magical about the way fathers talk to their sons. Some of this is pure, unadulterated wisdom. And some of it will make you wonder how any of us was ever conceived in the first place.

“Always talk to the prettiest girls because most guys are too chickenshit.”

My dad never told me a single thing about women intentionally. He told me to ask my mother because, “The best way to learn about women is from women.”

“Despite how it often seems, women aren’t particularly attracted to what men view as successful achievements such as money, power, athletic prowess. Women are most attracted to who we become when we view ourselves as successful.”

I grew up in the Bible Belt of Michigan. Fortunately, my dad saw the damage the church teaching was doing to his 15-year-old son. I remember clearly the day he stopped me in the driveway, looked me square in the eye and said, “Don’t let anyone ever tell you masturbation is wrong. Everyone masturbates, and there is nothing wrong with it.“ I don’t have words to describe the relief I felt when I heard that.

He spent the majority of our time during the sex talk talking about how respectful of women you should always be and that sex is a very special thing and that you shouldn’t do it just to do. It was very sweet, and he was very nervous.

“Don’t put your finger where you would not put your face.”

“Make sure she comes first.”

“For every time you come, she should come twice.” (Known as the 2-for-1 rule.)

“In order to make her wet, you gotta make her laugh.”

"Right there, boys, that is THE spot. Treat it with love. Treat it like it is your best friend because NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, will turn a woman on more than if you know how to work that. Tease it, nibble it, kiss it, lick it, suck it. If you can do those things and do ‘em well, you boys will be doing just fine." 

My dad gave me advice my freshman year of high school. He told me that “Threesomes are overrated” and to “Get the idea of having one out of your head.” He also told me “You need to go down on girls for a while before you think about sex because you have to get familiar with what’s going on down there.” My dad’s been married seven times now.

If I came home from a date or was generally down in the dumps, my father would sit me down at the table and ask me one question:
“Did you get her pregnant?”
“No, dad, nothing like that.”
“Well, then it’s going to be OK.”

“Never use her condoms.”

“If one ain’t enough, 100 ain’t enough.”

My dad once told me that men and women have almost nothing in common, and we would still be in separate caves throwing rocks at each other if it weren’t for sex.

Two pieces of advice from my dad about relationships with the fairer sex:
1. “The person with all the power in a relationship usually values the relationship the least.”
2. “When a man and a woman start a relationship, the woman thinks she can change the man, and the man thinks the woman will never change; they are both wrong.”

“Choose one who not only will help you thrive in your professional and personal life but also be willing to help her thrive along with you.”

Best advice from Dad:
1. "Every woman is beautiful when she’s naked in your bed.”
2. “You can have any woman in the world, you just have to want her bad enough.”
3. “Keep everything separate and sign a document that mutually disavows community property.”

“I haven’t figured out a way to get rid of your mother, so I’m not going to offer you any advice, son.”

“When you’re over at your girlfriend’s house, never look in the trash can in her bathroom. That’s all I’m going to say about that.”

“You want to know how well a woman is taking care of herself down there, look at how clean or dirty her room is.”

“Worry about fixing yourself before you try to fix anyone else.”

“Just don’t lie!”

“Confident, content, happy men attract women, and we become those things when we’re successful by our own measure.“

“Never hit a woman, unless she lays out a belt on the bed and says, ‘use this.’” This one scarred me a bit because he told me this when I was in fifth grade.

I’m just very grateful to him for the example that treating women with respect is so obviously correct that he didn’t even teach it to me in contrast to something else. It was just the only way to live.

“Treat them like gold.”

Bridget Phetasy is a writer and comic in Los Angeles. Twitter: @BridgetPhetasy.

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