Darcie Wilder’s show me a healthy person is a book generated from the internet and written in the language and punctuation of how internet natives write and speak to each other. The capitalization is unconventional, but it will be instantly recognizable to those that grew up writing late-night AIMs to their high school crushes.

The book is available for purchase here. Read our interview with Darcie Wilder here.


what if instead of drinking liquids based on how they taste we drank based on how they felt to pee

today I Drank expired Tropicana orange juice and sent a fax At work.

here’s a list of names of some people whose dicks ive sucked: steve sam sam zach jake todd jamie hank will steven chris pat geoff tim jay paul nick dan eric zack tim aaron

i fucked elliott steve sam nick jamie will matt chris pat geoff hunter mike sam jay chris tim james paul tim aaron and did that threesome that mira also had

the whole campus lost power and andy bought six cases of 40 oz and we had flashlights and when someone shined a light on the bottom of your bottle you had to chug it until they took the light away nick and i made out in the kitchen

nick’s my first grade teacher ms cohn’s teaching assistant at my elementary school and he says my fifth grade teacher called my dad an asshole and my mom a drunk

do roaches cum

once in this apartment i watched two hours of the kardashians and drank fourteen espresso shots.

dad drank a whole gallon of water on 9/11
does the freedom memorial remind anyone else of 9/11
im going to start lying and say i was in 9/11
my parents got divorced on 9/11

im really annoying but i wont make you make me cum.

im really annoying but i wont make you make me cum

how come guys clean up their cum but never straighten out the sheets or make the bed. anyway not my problem i dont have sex anymore

dad and i are both avoiding our primary care physician because he calls us fat and asks how long ago my mom died.

my internet boyfriend’s either mad or dead. impossible to tell. this girl in the bathroom line said i was beautiful but then said i looked like i needed to hear it

dre took a picture of me. dre where the fuck is the picture of me. online. put the pic of me online dre at the gas station
i’m naked in public. it’s fine

texting “can you open the door i don’t have my skirt”

she says we need cash and i don’t know why we need cash and we keep playing the “there’s gonna be good times” song from underneath the flourescent kitchen lights and the bushwick rooftops and our checking accounts haven’t ever been this low except they have

i gave my friend’s ex a lapdance and now that it’s over i feel empty and alone. i left my clothes at the party
i cant believe i look like what i look like
a cop just said i was dark and mysterious. and hot
i dreamt someone wrote a viral think piece about how i ruined the party

everything you say is just another way to say are you my mother

can you save me

i spend so much time trying to forget that i’m going to die.

im watching a food documentary but they’re spending too much time replaying 9/11 footage because “obesity is a daily 9/11.” i think i mentioned 9/11 too much on my last date

GEOFF I THINK IM IN A BETTER PLACE THAN WHEN WE DATED OK, IM DOING REAL GOOD NOW

i still get my dead grandma’s SAG screeners

my last boyfriend didn’t allow me to read (i might be embellishing here)

mom’s last words were “i love you”

dad says my life made him stop believing in god

when i was in a long distance relationship i posted "kiss me thru the phone” fifteen times on his facebook two days before he broke up with me

“basic” is a term invented so the insane can feel better about the well adjusted

not caring when people die is punk: only feasible in youth

mom said her dad died but she didn’t say her brother refused to take a lie detector test for their father’s murder

as c hhild i made balnket forts slept on the floor and ate roaches

i ate half the apple sauce before i found the dead roach and mom yelled at me when i started to cry. i slept in a closet for fun. i enjoyed microsoft paint and aol chatrooms about boy meets world and we cried when Shawn’s dad died Friday Night TGIF

i told dad i wasn’t hungry but he made me eat maypo and i found twenty dead bugs in it. his forehead wrinkled and he threw out all the pasta and didn’t say anything else the rest of the night

mom’s last meal was a jalapeno cheddar white castle burger she threw up twenty minutes later. the doctor said she was unlearning how to swallow. a nurse said she wasn’t eating because she wasn’t living

dad cried

mom held my hand and i said im sorry and she said only the future matters now

cousin shawn picked me up from the columbus airport and we watched the disney channel original movie Brink!
i woke up in a cold puddle of urine to the ambulance and pretended to be asleep for four hours as they took bob away

we were picking up photos at walgreen’s and i asked why grandma’s name was different and that’s how i found out her last name was her husband’s last name

bob died

mom raced me in the car and she won

dad says new diagnosis means i cant make fun of grandpa anymore. so from now on only punchlines about the grandpa that got murdered

knock knock
who’s there
not my grandfather, who was stabbed to death on a fishing trip in 1977. his son was rumored to be involved yet refused a lie detector test

what did the mother say to her daughter
what
i wish you met my father. he wanted grandchildren more than anything. it’s a shame he was stabbed to death on that fishing trip in 1977

what’s black and white and red all over
a newspaper
no, my grandfather. he was a white man with black hair and was stabbed to death on a fishing trip in 1977

this guy from columbus kissed me, went to pee, came back and hit on every other girl at the bar

when i was fifteen i was sick so i asked my dad to bring back fruit and he came back with tropical skittles and an apple danish


*Read our interview with Darcie Wilder here. *